- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- SW – Seann Walsh
- CA – Chris Addison
- MJ – Milton Jones
- GD – Greg Davies
Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly
AP - Ok, today we're going to have a special outing. So, Miss Williams, if you'd like to tell everybody why you're a lesbian.
MJ - We welcome a new member of staff today. He has no arms, and no legs, and no body, and we will call him "The Head."
CA - Would whoever's milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard, please stop it?
GD - I'm sorry for the waiting boys and girls. I've just had a shit the size of a baby seal.
CA - If you're found in possession of cocaine, you'll be given a hundred lines. No wait...
SW - And today in the after-school club, we're going to be using paper-mache to make a mother that actually loves you enough to pick you up at three o' clock.
HD - I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wan married Miss. Ker. His nickname will remain the same.
GD - A wise man once said, boys and girls, that if you try your hardest, you can fulfill your dreams. Generally that's true. Not for you though Tom, you can't read.
SW - And today everyone, we have a new boy. Now for some reason, whatever reason, he's been to a lot of schools. So be kind to him. Would you please make your way to the front, Richard Poowilly?
MJ - A word about registers. Most of the staff are on one.
AP - So that is how you put on a condom. (turns to the right) But sir, shouldn't you use a cucumber? (turns back) Not with that e-coli kicking around.
HD - Sorry. Sorry I'm late, I just had a bit of a run-in with the interactive whiteboard. It told me to fuck off.
CA - I've had all your mums.
Unlikely Things To Hear On A TV Talent Show
HD - Tonight, I'm going to be climbing a Sepp Blatter.
GD - You're right! I can't sing! Thanks!
MJ - I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over last week and is in hospital... (sings) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round...
SW - I've got an ability that no one on this planet has (fingers on temples). That's Ant, that's Dec.
AP - It was like Elvis was in the building. You're fat and there's a stench of death.
CA - Well Peter, it's not what everyone will call entertainment, but you, are one hell of an assassin!
HD - I thought you hit a high notes really, really well. It'll be interesting to see if you can still do that when I haven't got your nuts in a clamp.
GD - Hello! Where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here (takes microphone, holds it near crotch and mutters) Feeling, nothing more than feeling, trying to... (buzzer goes off)
HD - When you said you were going to ride a donkey?
AP - Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped in somebody else's underpants, going, feeling...
CA - That was an exceptional performance, and the way you have overcome your blindness is truly inspirational. But this is a chip shop, the X Factor audition's is next door.
SW - (impersonating Michael McIntyre) I'm going to be honest with you. I think you're all terrible, OK? All of you, you're completely dreadful, I don't know what you're doing. Especially you, Hasselhoff, what have you done since Baywatch?
HD - (Liverpudlian accent) And as well as that, I can unzip the top of my head, it's where I keep me pyjamas.
AP - I know you said you were a Gary Glitter tribute act, but we weren't expecting you to do that!