- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- EB – Ed Byrne
- CA – Chris Addison
- MJ – Milton Jones
- HW – Holly Walsh
Bad Things To Say In A Job Interview
AP - When I said I was a Yale student, I studied key-cutting at Mr. Minit.
HD - Why do I- we- I- we- I- we- want this job? Don't tell him- I have to.
CA - No, no, no, no. I applaud your policy of positive discrimination, and that's why I blacked up.
HW - Um, can I just check? This office is more than 50 meters from a school?
EB - What do you mean no experience? If being abducted by aliens isn't an experience, I don't know what is!
HD - Well, yes, I would make the perfect train driver. I'm always late and I (crying) break down really easily.
MJ - I think I make a very good diplomat. I'd like to live in Paris, with all the other Parisites.
AP - What do I see myself doing in 5 year's time? Exactly the same, only on Dave!
CA - Thank you for seeing me, I hope you don't mind if I stay sat down for a moment, I've got a little erection bubbling away.
EB - NO! EMU! NO, EMU! NO! NO! NO!
HW - What can I bring to this job? How about the photocopier from my last office?
HD - Yes, well I'm, in spite of my lack of medical experience, I still think of... gynecology's a calling.
AP - What are my weaknesses? Fat birds.
Unlikely Things To Hear On A Consumer Programme
CA - This week on Watchdog, another shower of gullible twats ask us to make sense of their piss poor decision making.
AP - Welcome to Watchdog. Here's a dog.
HD - But when he asked the cold callers for their identification, they shot Mr. Bin Laden with an AK-47.
MJ - I would like to complain about the boomerang I bought. I threw it but it never came BACK! (falls on floor as if he got hit by something)
EB - This week, we investigate bikini waxing strips: Are they just a ripoff?
AP - Tonight, we're investigating fencing and why I got tickets for that instead of the 100-meters final, which was what I wanted.
CA - Many of you who have bought death stars have e-mailed us complaining about the security problems with one of the exhaust fans.
HW - Although Austin the butcher claims that his sausages are made of premium meat, we can reveal that's bollocks.
HD - The cruise had a 1940s theme and Tom and Vera were delighted, until they were sunk by a U-boat in the North Atlantic.
EB - I didn't asked for it, didn't ordered it, got it even if I didn't want it, and doesn't even work. We have some more views on the coalition after the break.
CA - What was sold as a vibrator is clearly just a taser with a stale sausage attached to it.
HD - But something was wrong with the car. The clock said 63,000 miles, while the milometer said quarter past three.
MJ - I would like to complain about the sushi restaurant at Gatwick airport. There was nice big portions going round on the conveyor, but they do taste luggagey.
AP - Dear Watchdog, I'm extremely pissed off with this product. I bought Just For Men, my wife used it, and now, I am gay.
HD - Identity theft is on the increase. I'm Dara O'Briain. We work, so he doesn't have to.