- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- SF - Stewart Francis
- AP - Andy Parsons
- AH - Adam Hills
- EB - Ed Byrne
EB - Please do not use this electrical appliance while you're in the bath-- Actually, you know what? Go on! If you're that dumb, I think we can afford to lose you.
CA - Nick Clegg Feng Shui: Move everything to right for an easier life.
AP - Pot Noodle: For best results, put back on the shelf.
AH - If pain persists, see a doctor. Just make sure it's not Michael Jackson's doctor.
HD - To light gas, first place match near buttocks.
AP - One of these condoms has got a hole in it. Are you feeling lucky, punk?
AH - Dale Farm Yoghurt: Contents may settle.
EB - Please retain these assembly instructions in case you want to disassemble the furniture when you realise moving in with her wasn't the best move after all.
HD - Instructions for sandwich toaster. Week one: Eat nothing but toasted sandwiches. Week two: Put in cupboard and never use again.
CA - If unsure how to apply condom, take banana, and beat erection with it till it goes away.
EB - Enjoy your animal shaped biscuits. Do not eat if seal is broken.
HD - To reboot, pick up boots and put them on again.
AP - Congratulations on your new bread maker. Oooh, I bet Kingsmill are quaking in their boots!
CA - Game is over either when one player collects all cheeses or daddy has a tantrum and kicks the board across the room.
SF - Are your hands full but you want to transfer ten doughnuts?
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Restaurant
AP - Let's skip the pudding. You look like you've had enough already.
SF - Wow, thanks for picking up the bill, Dara.
HD - No, I'm sorry, we don't have snail porridge. No, this isn't owned by Heston Blumenthal. This is Heston Services.
EB - How does crispy, aromatic duck sound? "Quack, quack," but that's before it's either crispy or aromatic.
CA - Do I have a reservation? Well, I'm not sure about all these Polish people moving over here.
HD - (in a high-pitched voice) Table for two please, but no food. I'm a woodworm.
AP - This is a traditional Greek restaurant, so don't worry if you can't pay. The German government will cover it.
AH - You'd like a Foster's? (sniggers) Hang on, I'll see if we've got any left. Barry! Any Foster's left? (turns back and mimics urinating) Yeah, keg's nearly full, Jim.
AP - Here's the tip. If you find the rest of the chef's penis, please let us know.
EB - Have you been to a Harvester before? I'm joking, no one comes twice.
SF - It's nice to see the rugby players getting along with the dwarves.
CA - Well, that's an unusual taste. What is in this death by choc- (chokes and falls to ground)
SF - It's nice to see Zara and Mike getting along.
HD - Yes, it is all you can eat night, and that's why you can't come in, Mr. Pickles.
CA - Oh my God! There's a man's face in my soup and it looks just like me!
AP - Excellent choice, sir. This lady is much fitter than your wife.
EB - Rose for the lady? If you want to do something for the lady, why don't you fuck off?