- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJo - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- AO - Andi Osho
- MJu - Miles Jupp
Unlikely Things to Read in the Bible
AP - And lo, they finally saw the sign that God had promised: "You are now leaving Swindon."
HD - But when they got there, the tomb was empty. "Roinks!", said Scoob.
CA - Sodom and Gomorrah, twinned with Tyne and Wear.
MJo - And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for forty years until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions or not?"
AO - And Eve did realise that she was naked and she was ashamed, but then Gok Wan said "Look work it baby, you look amazing!"
MJu - And Noah said "If it carries on raining like this then we're going to have to eat the unicorns."
AP - And Moses saw the burning bush, and said to his wife, "I think you've overdone that bikini wax again."
HD - And David smoked Goliath. He meant to smack him but he was using predictive text.
MJo - Eve! Eve! Use fig leaves, not nettles!
CA - And the Lord said "Shit! I've made a wasp!"
AP - And Jesus saw a traveller in distress and said unto him, "Why don't you just leave Dale Farm and find somewhere else to live?"
MJo - And the Lord said to Gideon, "Take this book and put it in every Travelodge."
AO - Um listen, this is really awkward, I know there's a bit of a queue but I'm not a really big fan of fish.
HD - There were only five loaves and two fishes. Never go to Lidl on a Saturday night.
Unlikely Things to Hear in a Makeover Show
CA - Welcome to What Not to Wear. A wellie on your cock.
HD - This week's Look Good Naked, starring Edwina Currie, is the last in the series, and was recorded shortly before Gok Wan's suicide.
MJo - Well, we've started off by ripping up all the decking. Abandon ship!
MJu - We are going to give you back all your confidence and your dignity as soon as we Hoover the fat out of your arse.
AP- Michelle has got jowls, false teeth, and in fact, a moustache. But unfortunately we're here to up her front room, not here face!
HD - David and Jane wanted more space. So we've repossessed their house and they're living in the park.
CA - Well, we've pebble dashed, re-plastered, and put new plumbing in downstairs, and now Anne Robinson is good as new.
AO - Welcome to 60 Minute Make- Ohh babe, actually that going to take a lot longer
MJo - If you want to feel better looking and increase your self esteem, move to Leeds.
AP - And today on Property Ladder, we're going to show you how to break into a property, using a ladder.
HD - You're obviously very sensitive about your weight and you shouldn't be. Do you mind if I call you "Lard Arse"?
MJu - Well, Ian wanted a Renaissance look, so I've just set fire to a Catholic and taken a shit out of the window.
HD - Talking of decking, who wants to punch Nick Knowles in the face?
AP - Today on 10 Years Younger, we're going to try and squeeze 9 year old Amy back up her mother's womb.