- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- EB – Ed Byrne
- CA – Chris Addison
- MF – Micky Flanagan
- DM – Diane Morgan
Unlikely Things To Hear On A History Documentary
HD - The Russians had Lemsip. The Americans had Nightnurse. This was the Cold War.
EB - It was in this humble florists that the War of the Roses began.
AP - Guy Fawkes' bid to blow up the House of Parliament failed when he realised his body was made out of jumpers, and his head was an old football.
CA - Tonight on Bruce Forsyth's History of Britain: Boudicea, to see you bode!
HD - Horatio Nelson, one arm, one eye. A tragic example of what can happen if you fall asleep and someone finds your organ donor card.
DM - Welcome to Biggest Historical Boobs, with me, Katie Price.
CA - Tonight, I intend to find out exactly what did happened to Hitler's other ball. And my search begins right here in the Albert Hall.
MF - And on Time Team tonight, we're in Stratford-on-Avon, where we've uncovered loads of monkey skeletons and some typewriters.
AP - When Hitler started writing Mein Kampf, he intended it to be a light-hearted romp called Carry On Kampfing.
CA - John F Kennedy, Indira Gandhi, John Lennon: If history teaches us anything, it's that if you don't want your child assassinated, don't name them after an airport.
MF - To be honest, I'm not interested in this old nonsense, really, but since the end of Blackadder, the work's been fairly hard to come by.
EB - It's hard to believe that this crumbling old ruin presented Weakest Link for as long as she did.
CA - Of course, the Bronze Age was the third best age in history.
HD - And now the documentary that every Channel 5 commissioner has dreamt of: Did Hitler Sink The Titanic?
AP - We've been digging in this field in Hampshire for 3 weeks. And we found this one piece of crockery, which tells us, we desperately need to get laid.
Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy
HD - We apologise to the customers who have recently alighted at Northampton. I opened the wrong doors.
MF - Could all the people shopping here at Asda please accept that you are piss poor?
AP - Cleanup required in the magazine aisle between Loaded and Nuts!
HD - Would the parents of the lost child, please pick him up from the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
DM - I'd like to remind customers that our special offer this week is 100% off German beansprouts.
AP - If you would like to upgrade to first class, then you should have worked harder at school and got a better job.
CA - Could the small boy holding the owl stop running at the wall between the platforms 9 and 10?
HD - Would the man on pump number 4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on pump number 6?
MF - Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the car park with the tinted windows and go-faster stripes sort your life out mate, will you?
EB - Uh, uh... I can't remember what the code is, uh... would Mr. Fire, please report, please report to the kitchen? That's Mr. Out-Of-Control-Fire. Please report to the kitchen before it's too late, I don't want to start to panic!
DM - The train now approaching platforms 3, 4, and 5 is the derailed train from Swansea.
CA - Will the owners of a black Jaguar, please move it as it is attacking the customers?
AP - This is the captain speaking. You can now turn on your mobile phones, as you'll need to text your loved ones goodbye as we plummet into the sea.