- HD - Hugh Dennis
- AC - Alun Cochrane
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- MF - Micky Flanagan
Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters
HD - Dear Deirdre, I have recently become obsessed with a woman and begun stalking her. Look out of the window.
AP - My partner won't give me oral sex, which is really annoying because that's the only reason I formed a Coalition with him in the first place.
MJ - My wife says I don't feel anything, which is a problem, and there was something else... Oh yes, I'm on fire.
MF - I'm 26, my girlfriend's 36. Is 10 years to big an age gap? 'Cause her daughter's 16 and she's right little softie.
HD - I have recently met a woman who makes me feel young again. She's 167.
AC - (Nigerian accent) DEAR DEIRDRE, I'M FROM NIGERIA AND I'M FED UP OF MICKY FLANAGAN MOCKING MY ACCENT!!!
ZL - Dear Auntie, I am a very very nervous person, and sudden noises really startle me, in fact, even if I hear a buzzer, a bit of wee comes out. (Buzzer)
AP - My mates are all getting into drugs, but I don't know what to do. Should I charge them mate's rates or just normal prices?
MJ - Dear Deirdre, I am a control freak, what should I do? I'll tell you what I should do..
HD - I am 96, but I'm convinced that young women fancy me. Do I have penile dementia?
MF - I've been wanting to come and see you for a long time but I can't get out the turning!
AP - I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. Could you tell us please how to get out of Position 43 of the Karma Sutra?
AC - I work in the public sector (mockingly) and I'm really really really worried about my pension!
Unlikely Things To Hear At Wimbledon
HD - Well, at two sets down, lets see what he's got in his locker. He's not going to be there for about 20 minutes, I've got a crowbar...
AP - Serena Williams has been seeded. You've got to admire the bravery of that bloke.
MJ - Hello, I'm Sue Barker. You may remember my father, Chew Barker.
HD - Well, they say that the All-England club is a bit behind times, and that's why this small boy has just had his hand chopped off for stealing a strawberry.
MJ - (Northern accent) I am a tennis umpire and gay, and it wasn't easy to come OUT!
AC - What a fantastic slice, but I do think the All-England club will insist she wears knickers again next year.
ZL - FUCK OFF, TIM!!
HD - Well, how did the umpire get up there? I think he must have used a Sepp Blatter.
MJ - (American accent) Of course, this year the British players play a lot better. If we look at this graph, we see huge biceps and an angry - Sorry Steffi, wrong graph.
AP - And for any of our Scottish viewers, what you can see there in that glass of Pimm's is fruit.
MF - Andy Murray here, and Andy Murray not being able to make it here today, but we do have his cab driver on the other line, can you tell us what's occurred? (As cab driver) I can't get out the turning!
AC - And the mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight... but I think the All-England club are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect the tennis.