- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- SF - Stewart Francis
- AP - Andy Parsons
- NC - Nathan Caton
- MF - Micky Flanagan
Unlikely Lines From Children's Books
HD - "Yes, it is sad. I used to be on Top Gear," said Stig of the Dump.
SF - Jack, do you have any more of those beans?
CA - A Stringfellow, what's a Stringfellow? A Stringfellow, why, didn't you know? It has tanned leather skin, and a massive libido, and bad 80's hair, and a grin like a paedo.
AP - This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, and this little piggy went (coughs) and died horribly of swine flu.
NC - Let's learn the alphabet. "A" is for "adopted", like you. "B" is for "basmati".
MF - And as Eeyore put the noose around his neck...
HD - "No, I don't think you should shave, Bilbo," said Frodo. "Those feet need waxing."
NC - "Yes, yes Grandma, what a big TV screen you got," said Little Red Riding Hoodie.
AP - "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" said Daddy Bear. "Well," said Mummy Bear, "It's been your brother Ryan, and he's a much better shag than you are."
HD - "I want to go to Tottenham," said Max. "That's where the wild things are."
AP - The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, or as we like to call them, the Sugababes.
SF - Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a handsome young prince named Dara.
CA - Wheeeeeeere's Gaddafi?
HD - The Railway Children gesticulated wildly at the driver. "You've left us behind you wanker!"
AP - "Oh dear," said Postman Pat. "I've just had sex with my cat Jess. I should've gone to Specsavers!"
MF - And so Emily learned that if she had just been a nicer little girl, Mummy and Daddy would never have got divorced.
CA - "Do you know what?", said the Very Hungry Caterpillar, "This gastric band has changed my life."
Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say
SF - And there's just yet another Grand Slam victory for Andy Murray.
NC - And now we come to the javelin. If you're watching in 3D, you might want to look away now.
MF - And here we are at the women's football, but whilst we're enjoying the game, please spare a thought for the men at home who are going without dinner this evening.
HD - Well, he's stroked that through the covers. Surely it would've been easier just to pull back the duvet.
MF - And here at the British Grand Prix, we've already had a couple of fatalities. Yes, two of the crowd have died of boredom.
AP - Lewis Hamilton is three seconds ahead, but there's trouble at turn 17 as Dastardly and Muttley have dug a pit.
NC - I'm here at the Green Court Bowls, and I've started cutting myself.
CA - He got the right hook in! He's got the left hook in! And he's finally finished putting up those curtains!
HD - Well, welcome back after the break. You haven't missed much, just the entire Indian innings.
SF - Now let's go back to Henley where Clare Balding is standing with two cocks.
CA - There's Rio Ferdinand, WHAT A TACKLE! But enough from me, I really should let these lads continue getting changed.
AP - Alex Ferguson has substituted Wayne Rooney. Of course, not the first time Rooney has been pulled of by a 69-year old...
HD - Well, what a result. The UK's Somalian has beaten America's Kenyan to show that the Africans aren't going to have it all their own way.
MF - Thanks for all those fantastic statistics there, Motty. Now go and get a fucking life.