- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- CD - Carl Donnelly
- AP - Andy Parsons
- AV - Ava Vidal
- MJ - Miles Jupp
Unlikely Lines From a Horror Film
AV - You've got a flat screen TV and brand new trainers. I know what you did last summer.
AP - AAAH! AAAAH! I'm sorry, it's just that you look nothing like your photo on Match.com.
MJ - Is there anybody there? Can you hear me? Is there anybody there? This is The Christian O'Connell Breakfast Show.
CD - (Zombie-like moaning) That was Mayor Boris Johnson with his official statement on the riots.
HD - Have you seen the traffic? It's a nightmare on Elm Street.
CA - And now, Alan Bennett's long awaited remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Nantwich Leafblower Kerfuffle.
HD - What do you want? What do you want? No! I'm not paying too much for my car insurance.
AV - I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. So I gave Mark's dinner party an 8.
CD - Do you like scary movies Sidney? Oh sorry, is Sidney there, please?
AP - If you don't keep up payments to your exorcist, there's a danger your home may become repossessed.
CA - Ha! Joke's on you Dracula, I've got AIDS.
MJ - I ate his liver with some jelly beans and a nice Um Bongo.
AP - I've seen the ring! I wish that builder would pull his trousers up!
HD - I don't have to listen to you, you're just a puppet. If you don't shut up, I'm going to put you back in you box, Mr. Clegg.
MJ - I'm afraid he's been bitten by a George Michael. He's turned into a Whampire.
Commercials that Never Made it to Air
MJ - Have you got a WKD side? Then you're a prick.
CA - Take two bottles into the shower? Not anymore, I've got a proper dildo.
AP - JD Sports: 2000 looters can't be wrong.
CA - Do you suffer from dull, lifeless hair? Don't worry, Andy Parsons will buy it off you.
HD - With ABS, sat-nav and airbags, this may be the most advanced condom you'll ever buy.
AP - How much did you say you earned for those Direct Line car insurance adverts? Well, people deserve to hear about this! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!
HD - Dara O Briain: We work, so he doesn't have to.
MJ - Cash for Cash: Send us your cash in an envelope, and we'll send it back minus commission.
CD - Every year, thousands of bears are captured, tortured, and forced to dance in front of crowds of cheering people. Call 0845 now for ticket hotline.
AP - Ash for Cash: Put your cremated relatives in an envelope...
HD - Got that bloated feeling? My uncle had that, he was dead in a week.
AP - Smash for Cash: Put in mashed potato in an envelope...
AV - Don't just book it, Thomas Cook it. Dignitas in Switzerland
HD - Why have we got barbecues at low, low prices? Because the summer's been shit and no one's brought them!
MJ - At the Dogs Trust, we never put down a healthy dog. But the minute one coughs, it's in the Thames.
CA - Do you suffer from unsightly chest hair? Should've gone to Pecshavers.
MJ - Lynx: Come on virgins, wash your cocks.
AP - (waits while audience keeps laughing, looks around, then shrugs and walks off)