- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- MF – Micky Flanagan
- CA – Chris Addison
- NC – Nathan Caton
- GD – Greg Davies
Unlikely Things To Hear At An Awards Ceremony
CA - And the winner is... Dara O'Briain. (Dara flips off CA)
NC - And the award for Driver of the Year goes to David Cameron for his perfectly executed U-turns.
HD - Welcome to the National Insincerity Awards. And can I say what a pleasure it is to be here.
CA - And Soap of the Year goes to... (hums opening tune of EastEnders) Coronation Street!
HD - Would you please welcome your host for tonight... Dec
MF - And the award for Best Actress this evening goes to John Travolta's wife
CA - Father of the year is... David Cameron!
GD - And predictably for the 50th year running, the Rear of the Year has been won by the same man. Come on up, Chris. (silence) It's a Chris Rea joke.
NC - And the award for Best Film: Cling. Cling film.
CA - This is the point in the Psychic Awards when we like to remember those we lost next year.
HD - Well, they said it was ill-advised, but welcome to the first Witness Protection Scheme Award.
AP - And the award for Most Cleavage on View goes to Eamonn Holmes' arse.
HD - Well now, our final category: Category C. There are 3 sex offenders nominated tonight...
MF - And I'd just like to say to the wife at home, you better not be around when I get home, sister, 'cause I'm big time now.
GD - And the Best Post-Humously Released Rap Record goes to Kim Jong for I Told You I Was Ill.
AP - And to present Best Film in a Foreign Language, would you please welcome Nick Griffin.
GD - And the winner of Rear of the Year goes to Chris Rea!
Unlikely Lines From A Thriller
HD - What more evidence do you need that there is a mole? Look at the lawn!
AP - Your wife's head in a box. You must be the most unlucky contestant ever on Deal or No Deal.
CA - What colour wire do I have to cut? The lilac, the mauve, the salmon pink, or the fuchsia?
GD - "I want to make you a vodka martini." "You can't handle vermouth!"
AP - "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" she purred. "Yes, it is a gun in my pocket and I've just shot my cock off."
HD - I'm telling you there will be no attack. This is a side picked by Roy Hodgson.
NC - So Mr. Bond, we meet--- Ah! Flippin' cat!
MF - I'm telling you captain, I work best alone! But sometimes in a team. Basically, I'm saying I'm flexible.
HD - So, Mr. Bond, we meet at last. Why didn't we ever Skype?
GD - "I would like to gently lift your horse's foot." "You can't handle the hoof!"
CA - They had human liver with fava beans with a nice Chianti. But the entertainment was excellent, and he was a lovely host, so I'm going to give Hannibal 7 out of 10.
MF - "Here's Johnny!" "Do you mind? I'm trying to have a shit in here"
AP - "This prostitute isn't dead," said the Norwegian detective. "She's just pining for the fjords."
GD - And as his eyes gradually became accustomed to the shadowy darkness, he realized he was not alone in that room. (gasps) "Who is it?" "It's me Peter Andre!"