- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- JWk – Joe Wilkinson
- CA – Chris Addison
- JWd – Josh Widdicombe
- MJ – Milton Jones
Unlikely Things To Hear in a News Programme
HD - A tornado has struck the East Coast of America, carrying everything with it. Let's go over to our Washington correspondent... in Hawaii.
AP - Welcome to Sky News. At the moment, the sky is blue.
CA - After years of searching, the police say that they are now close to finding who let the dogs out. They have new leads.
HD - Right, now, let's go over to the news in the shitty place you live.
MJ -Scientists have injected a human embryo with Marmite. The woman gave birth to Twiglets.
CA - Continuing our major story about news organisations hacking people: let's read a few of your e-mails.
AP - More on that volcanic eruption in Iceland: two of the aisles have closed, one of the tills is out of order.
HD - (with his back to the camera) This is the world's most literal reporter saying, "back to the studio"
JWk - And now, over to Sue with the weather. I've 'ad her.
CA - Our top story tonight: Anger grows among autocue operators following a massive pay cut bum tits willy fart I made him say that.
JWd - It's hot and sunny outside, so why not head down the beach? You might see some tits!
AP - And now, for the weather report. Let's hope it's a hot one. Oh no, it's Rob McElwee.
MJ - And finally... (puts hand shaped like a gun to his head)
HD - I'm in The Hague which must be very uncomfortable for him.
MJ - A quick look at the weather now: (looks around him)
Unlikely Things To Read on a Medical Label
HD - Use only if you're immobile or find it difficult to move. Tested on Dara O'Briain.
AP - Anti-diarrhoea medicine: In an emergency, shove the bottle up your arse.
JWd - As recommended by Michael Jackson.
HD - Ditetramethyl Chlorobenzoaete, for the anameal effluence of the trichordic aorta: Does exactly what it says on the tin.
CA - Groin cream: Not suitable for people with a nut allergy.
AP - Homeopathic tablets. Side effects, none. Main effects, none.
HC - Embarassed using Anusol? Why not try this: Arse-crack soothe.
MJ - Do not eat dairy, otherwise we will have nowhere to milk the cows.
AP - Viagra: It'll give you more than 8%.
HD - Contains placebox and madeitupalin.
JWd - Viagra: Take 15 minutes before sex. Or if single, strap in for the wank of a lifetime.
AP - Obesity pills: Don't eat the bottle, chubby.
JWk - Keep out of reach of children. Not the tablets, YOU!
CA - Store somewhere cool, like New York.
HD - Pregnancy test: Pick up your daughter's boyfriend and shout "WAS IT YOU?"