- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- EB - Ed Byrne
- AC - Alun Cochrane
Unlikely Things for a Sports Commentator to Say
CA - They think it's all over, but Wayne Rooney is telling his hair surgeons that they've missed a bit!
HD - So just two laps to go,and then these dancers from Stringfellows will be heading home for the night.
GD - Tragedy strikes the Winter Olympics as the ski jumping is accidentally held next to a clay pigeon shoot.
EB - And that's a 200 yard drive. Colin Montgomery there, too lazy to walk to get the paper.
HD - Well, with 200 meters to go, he is on the shoulder of the Ethiopian. I don't know if it's legal for him to be there, but it'll slow him down a bit.
AP - Lewis Hamilton still leads, but there's trouble up ahead as Dick Dastardly and Muttley are digging a hole under turn 17.
CA - She can see the line now, she can see the line! She's definitely pregnant!
EB - Welcome back to the women's shot-put, here's the Lithuanian. My, what a pretty little thing.
HD - Well, let's go to Epsom for the 2:30, there are 16 runners. Everyone else is riding a horse, what a race this is going to be.
AC - And after Andy Murray's recent appearance on television's Mock the Week, onto center court, we see the lolloping frame of Dara O' Briain.
GD - And that's an incredible right hook there from Abu Hamza.
AP - So, Boris Johnson, are you enjoying the Olympics? Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Clare Balding, are you enjoying the Olympics?
AC - And there was some confusion earlier on center court when Andy Murray thought he'd signed one of those giant novelty tennis balls, and it turned out to be a fat kid's face with jaundice.
CA - And the England team sticking with the classic 4-4-2 formation. This really is the most organised orgy I have ever seen.
GD - And Serena Williams remains unseeded for a second year. I can't help but thinking a little lippy and push-up bra.
Bad Things to Say at a Job Interview
EB - What do I think of nepotism? That-that's a good question, dad. Umm.
HD - I served for 10 years in Afghanistan. I was in the Taliban.
AP - I like to see myself as a people person, although some people have called me a trafficker.
GD - So I'm just checking, you definitely, definitely, definitely don't do a CRB check?
EB - You ask a lot of questions.
CA - Sorry, could you repeat the question? My ankle bracelet's beeping really loudly.
HD - Well, I am a fully qualified geography teacher and... The school's next door, is it?
EB - If we were to take you on as an accountant, how do you think you'd cope with all the extra fanny you'd be getting.
AP - Do I like jogging? Oh, I thought you said "Do I like dogging?" Um, the answer's still yes!
GD - You've demonstrated a bad attitude, inability to listen, and complete lack of interest in others. Welcome to Ryanair's customer service team!
AC - Why do I want to be a vet? Ketamine.
CA - Well they gave me a two-two at university, so I just thought I'd wear it to the interview.
EB - Well, I'd say my three strongest points are attention to detail, a determination to see things through, yadda yadda yadda.
HD - Yes, I think I would be the perfect candidate-idate-idate-idate to make the platform announce-announce-announce.
CA - Why do I want to join the army? (camp voice) I just love a man in uniform!
AP - What would I do if I won the lottery? Tell you to fuck off!