- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- KR - Katherine Ryan
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Bond Movie
HD - Agents aren't what they used to be 007. Meet 118 118.
JW - One dry martini, shaken not stirred, and um, four Jägerbombs.
AP - So Bond, we're really pushing product placement in this film. So here's your new secretary, Miss moneysupermarket.com.
CA - Goldfinger, what are you doing with that laser? You've nearly burnt my cock off.
HD - So, laser guided, fires at will, lovely in the hand, incredible repeat speed. Tell me, Mr Bond, where do you get a penis like this?
MJ - MI6? No, you're a lot older than that, Bond.
AP - Aha, Mr Bond, it appears that somebody has stolen my cat.
JW - I'm sorry James, I'm going to have to remove your license to kill; also I would question the validity of this "Boob Inspector" card.
KR - Heeey, it's me, Pussy. Pussy Nomore? Yeah, post-op now. It's gone real good.
MJ - Professor, how could you? You tried to mix giant broccoli with three million eggs. So, your terrible flan has failed.
CA - And this watch that fires bullets, and I'm afraid that's all the gadgets I can give you Bond, I'm the eight items or less Q.
HD - I think you may need an eye test, Bond. That sex-mad blonde you've been shagging in the embassy is Julian Assange.
AP - So she's smuggling diamonds somehow, Bond, and it's your job to find out how. Just go to the hotel reception and ask for Fanny Vajazzle.
Unlikely Things To Hear At A Party Conference
MJ - Yes, I'm a millionaire. Yes, I went to Eton. But I really feel I can relate to the rest of you scum.
AP - My name's Dave, like the TV channel. We both repeat the same old shit over and over again.
CA - Would Nick Clegg please come to Lost Property, where his missing spine has been handed in?
HD - Am I to the left? Am I to the right? I'll be honest, it depends which trousers I'm wearing.
JW - So that concludes the conference. One more question. Would anyone like to buy a forty foot sign with the word "Conservatives" written on it?
AP - I'd avoid the hotel bar. Ann Widdecombe's in there reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
CA - It has just been unacceptable cut after unacceptable cut. Why can't Boris Johnson find a proper hairdresser?
HD - Welcome to the UKIP conference, the first conference to be held here in Islamabad.
JW - Education. Education. Education--- Can someone fix my autocue, please?
CA - POLITICIANS, READY!! GLADIATORS, READY!!
KR - (huge gasp) Let's get drunk and join the Euro.
MJ - This government say they are phasing out Roman numerals. Not on my watch.
HD - There have never been enough women in this party, and that is why, from this afternoon, you can call me ... Stephanie.
AP - Our strategy for this Labour conference is "Embrace The Geek" and not as I said earlier, "Release The Gimp."
KR - Here in support of Testicular Cancer awareness week, it's shadow chancellor Ed Ball.
CA - Well, I don't know about you, but I have swallowed so much semen this weekend.
AP - My name's Dave, like the TV channel. And I repeat the same old shit over and over again.