HD - Hugh Dennis
CA - Chris Addison
MJ - Milton Jones
AP - Andy Parsons
JC - Jo Caulfield
CD - Carl Donnelly
Unlikely Things to Hear at Euro 2012
AP - And there we see in the stands, John Terry's wife. And with his arm around her, Rio Ferdinand.
HD - Well this French team has three strikers. Luckily the other eight have agreed to play.
MJ - Tonight's game is in the incredible city of Kiev. The outskirts are sort of crispy-crumbly.
CA - And Holland are two down. Yes! I've finished the crossword!
AP - And the Greeks have reached the quarter finals. If only they'd had a massive bet on that...
HD - Oh, that's a bad one, you can see the bone sticking right out. These Ukrainian meat pies really are awful.
JC - And now over to Mark Lawrenson who has something really interesting to say.
CA - Well, I've never seen that on a pitch before, it seems the referee really is a wanker.
HD - No mate, this is row 6. You're row 2012.
MJ - (Ukrainian accent) Here in Ukraine, we launch campaign: Kick football out of racism.
CD - And that is some incredible dribbling there from the Irish supporters.
JC - And things are about to turn ugly as we go back to the studio to Adrian Chiles.
AP - And it's Germany against Greece: The ultimate dilemma for the British Royal family.
CD - And that is quite simply some wonderful defending there from John Terry's legal team.
HD - Well, the Russians and Ukrainians are going to settle this with a shootout. No penalties, just a shootout.
AP - So Germany have camped in the Polish half. Not for the first time...
CA - And Rooney's trying to get round the keeper, but his keeper's not letting him out of his cage.
Things You Wouldn't hear on a Political Discussion Show
MJ - Sorry, did I interrupt you?
HD - No, no, sir, no, you've had your say. Now shut the fuck up.
AP - Round the table tonight, Eric Pickles. And round another table, four other politicians.
MJ - (Ulster accent) Sadomasochism is a perversion, but we will clamp down on it!
CD - And tonight we'll be discussing Greece. First question, who'd win a fight, Danny Zuko or Kenickie?
AP - So, Nick Clegg, which of your two faces would you like to answer that question with?
HD - Yes, I agree, Britain's performance in the second quarter has not been all we hoped for, but there's a reason for that. This is a tough job, and I'm shit at it!
MJ - We will not let Abu Hamza off the hook!
CA - Well, Mr Dimbleby, my question is "If I were a beleaguered European economy, how would you stimulate my growth?" And that goes to contestant number three.
JC - Of course I understand that people are worried about schools and hospitals, but what you don't understand is I don't give a shit.
CA - Is anyone else horny?
CD - And now we’re going to head over and see what the polls are telling us. (Foreign accent) Hello!
HD - And now let’s go over to Wales and see what they're saying to us. (Makes whale noises)
AP - And so we have a question here for the Prime Minister from Nancy Cameron, aged 8, and it's "When are you going to pick me up, Daddy?"