- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- MB - Marcus Brigstocke
Unlikely Things to Read on a Health Insurance Form
AP - Would you describe the condition of your heart as A) Very good, B) Mediumly good, or C) BOO!
HD - Do you ever (silence) temporary blackouts?
CA - Do objects in the middle distance appear to be coming to me, to you, to me, to you? You may be suffering from Chucklevision.
ZL - Are you suffering from or have you ever had an STD, you slag?
GD - Are you the only black guy in a horror film?
AP - Have you ever experienced a burning sensation when you pee? Were you drunk at the time and holding a cigarette at the same time?
MB - Please describe your alcohol intake: Moderate, average, excessive, Glaswegian.
GD - What's your blood type? He can do 50 words a minute, innit bruv.
AP - Buddhists: What was your last cause of death?
CA - Do you suffer from dyslexia? If so, please put a bick in this tox.
HD - Do you smoke? Can I have one?
ZL - Do you hear voices? No. Are you deaf? No. So you do hear voices? Yes. I'm sorry, you have lied.
AP - Would you describe yourself as very fit, quite fit, or a bit of a minger?
HD - Do you suffer from dizziness, double vision, or seizures? Then why did you take a penalty for England?
Unlikely Lines From a War Movie
CA - Bad luck, Sir Winston, I'm afraid the Second World War's gone to penalties.
HD - I'm going to go and rescue a horse, it's trapped in the wire. You put the potatoes on.
AP - We've located the battleship. It's in the squares B5, B6, B7, B8 and B9.
HD - (American accent) I was sent up river in Vietnam, tasked with killing a renegade Colonel. That was one hell of a gap year.
ZL - I haven't seen a case of trench-foot this bad since the Isle of Wight festival.
GD - It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees. Anyway, enough about that Tulisa video...
AP - Well, if nothing else, this is going to make a lovely tapestry.
CA - We're at 5000 fathoms! Bing! The hull will never take it, Captain! Bing! And you going "bing" isn't helping either!
AP - Louis, this could be the start of a wonderful friendship, but only if you dress up as a nurse and give me a discharge.
MB - Sir, new intelligence has come in from the letters page of the Daily Mail, and it seems herr Hitler has a point!
HD - I can't stand the sound of guns! Why did I move to Tottenham?
GD - In the Marines, our motto is "No one gets left behind". Private Cameron, where is your daughter?
HD - We make an amphibious landing here. We scale the cliff, avoid the sweeper, bounce on the big balls, and I'll meet you in the Wipeout Zone.
MB - Chaps, we're about to go over the top and I have a message for you from High Command. It simply says (singing) "War! What is it good for! Absolutely nothing! Say it again now! War!"
ZL - Don't put your stuff in that one, it's got a really catchy edge on it. I call it "The Hurt Locker".
CA - Medic! Medic! Medic! I'll tell you what the problem is, I've been shot in my dick!