- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- AV - Ava Vidal
- MW - Mark Watson
Unlikely Things to Hear at Wimbledon
AP - Due to Mock the Week overrunning, footage from Centre Court has now been cancelled.
HD - It's out again. Bigger shorts, that's what he needs.
CA - Well, that is an incredibly strong backhand, but he did tell the ball boy he wanted the water ice cold.
MJ - (Crouching down) Welcome to center court. They've just closed the roof, and it's a lot lower than we thought...
AV - There appears to be a lot of grunting in this women's match, and if the man at the back doesn't stop it, we're going to have to ask him to leave.
HD - So, that rain delay was slightly longer than we were hoping. It's now mid-August.
MW - So Venus and Serena, the old rivals meet again, and it's the eternal question: Which one would you do?
HD - So, 15-40, the last time someone British won here.
AP - And it's the Russian favourite Novoking Gints against the British number 3, Absolutely Novoking Gints.
HD - Well, he's very lucky to get to love 40. I've only loved 5 and I had to pay 3 of them.
MJ - Of course, they start training tennis umpires at a very young age, and there they are, sitting in their high chairs, shouting "Juice! Juice!"
AP - And play has been interrupted as two players have walked onto the court, saying they've got it booked from four, and it's now five past.
CA - And if we have a look at his follow through, we can see he shouldn't have worn white shorts.
AP - The doubles have proved great entertainment today. I've had 10 of them, and let me tell you, Sue Barker is looking absolutely gorgeous.
Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Consumer Programme
AP - On Watchdog tonight, Anne Robinson has had a seizure, but you won't be able to tell.
MJ - Dear Watchdog, these sausages are inedible. I don't know what it is, they look like someone off the telly.
HD - The patio had been badly laid, and three weeks later, the body popped up again.
CA - My loft has recently been converted. It is now Muslim, and won't let me in unless I take my shoes off.
AV - You can invest your money in a high interest ISA, or you can blow the lot on cocaine. Come on man, you used to be fun, what's wrong with you?
AP - Tonight, we're investigating United Dairies, R. White's and Cadbury's in a feature we're calling "Milk, Milk, Lemonade, 'Round The Corner, Chocolate's Made".
CA - Where are the best places to watch other people having sex? We'll find out tonight on Watchdogging.
MW - And the moral of the story, even if it's called "crazy golf", don't have your willy out. Good night.
AP - This secret camera we're using is really really tiny, which is lucky because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my arse.
HD - He paid for the house to be pebble dashed, but the technique wasn't quite what he expected.
MJ - The doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week, but now I've eaten half my kitchen.
HD - We tested this dishwasher against this dishwasher, and the Filipino was better.
CA - Not only would the toilet not flush, but I am now banned from IKEA.
MJ - If it sounds too good to be true, and it looks too good to be true, then it's magic!