- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- MJu – Miles Jupp
- CA – Chris Addison
- JW – Josh Widdicombe
- MJo – Milton Jones
Things You Won't Hear At The Olympics
AP - Very impressive. Usain Bolt has done a lap of honour and won the 400 metres as well.
HD - So Daley going for 3 1/2 Somersault with Pike. And I have to say, the pike doesn't look too happy about it.
MJo - Good morning, no surprises here at the final of the archery--- (falls down)
MJu - Victoria Pendleton's cycling incredibly fast at the moment due to trying to get away from a horny Boris Johnson.
JW - She was hoping for bronze, but sadly for Sue Barker, she is bright orange.
AP - I would like to apologise for my early mistake. We are in fact watching the javelin, and not as I said, "Dwarf Darts".
CA - And all of the sailing golds have gone to the Somali team in exchange for the safe return of Sir Steve Redgrave.
MJo - That is the fifth girl to jump off the top board and miss the huge pool below. Women divers!
HD - This gymnast has a maximum degree of difficulty. His name is Churzit Kiddik-Kaddik-Fiddik-FlipFlapFlopFlep.
JW - That is the 10 minute free view of the beach volleyball. If you'd like to watch the full one, please enter your PIN now.
CA - And the crowd are on their feet. So much for getting the stadium finished on time.
MJu - Well, that really was a spectacular day at weightlifting. But before we go, we've got time to just have a look at some of the spectacular anal prolapses we've seen today.
HD - Lane 1, a family eating popcorn. Lane 2, two guys on a stag night. Lane 3-- I'm in the wrong place, this is bowling.
AP - And now, in the weightlifting, it's the snatch. She's a big girl, but it's still compulsory.
HD - Well, here at Weymouth, our gold medal prospect is out. In the last race he touched the boy, and he's been arrested by social services.
Unlikely Things To Read In A Children's Book
AP - And so the tiger came to tea, and then shagged another woman, and went back to playing golf.
JW - As soon as Professor Snape saw Hermione, he knew in a few years she would be really hot.
HD - "What's a Gruffalo?", said the Gruffalo. "It's a buffalo on 40 a day."
CA - "These bacon sandwiches are delicious!", said Pooh. "Aren't they, Piglet? Piglet?"
MJo - And so, 101 dalmatians fell asleep. Hang on, those aren't dalmatians. Those are just ordinary white puppies, riddled with bullets.
JW - "Hello, my name is the Very Hungry Caterpillar. I have an eating disorder."
AP - Unfortunately, Bob the Builder couldn't fix it, because Bobski the Polish Builder had undercut him and done a far better job!
MJu - "This place is rubbish," said Edmund. "Doesn't anybody have sex here?". "Oh, yes," said Aslan, "what do you think the griffins are for?"
HD - But despite his protests, Mr. Tickle was put on the register.
MJo - After years of depression and alcoholism, the little girl emigrated. And that is the end of Alice in Sunderland.
CA - "This is Pooh Corner", explained one of the other captives.
HD - "Have you heard about Badger?", said Ratty. "He's been gassed to stop the spread of Bovine TB."
AP - As the train came slowly past, The Railway Children chucked stones at it and spray-painted "Thomas is a Wanker."
MJo - Tales of the Unexpected. Once upon a--- BLAAAH!
CA - And then, as he did every night, Fantastic Mr. Fox knocked over a bin and shat on the doorstep.