- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- SF – Stewart Francis
- CA – Chris Addison
- AO – Andi Osho
- AC – Alun Cochrane
Rejected Questions From This Year's Exams
AP - If sin A/A = sin B/B = sin C/C, what are chances that you're ever going to use them in your sodding adult life?
HD - According to Germany, how much is Greece worth? 1 mark.
CA - Exam board of Saragotha: Paint Jesus.
AO - Jonathan is a Nigerian prince. What are your credit card details?
AC - Three girls in this hall are pregnant. Who's the daddy?
AP - Compare the following: A) The market. B) The meerkat.
HD - Heat the crystals until they produce a vapour. Inhale. The exam seems easier now, doesn't it?
SF - Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
CA - Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
AP - Using the paper provided, roll a joint and pass it round.
SF - Does this look infected?
HD - In the recent Olympics, Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as Australia. That's not a question, just a statement.
AO - One Direction are incredibly popular. Explain.
CA - Sport: How do spell "Akabussi"? Is it A-ca-b-oo-c, yes or no?
AC - If Steve eats 2 apples, an orange, and a banana, why is he such a fat fucker?
Things You Didn't Hear At The Olympics
SF - And that's yet another gold medal for Ireland.
- Dara: One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem...
HD - Well, there's Prince Harry in the crowd. I would recognise those buttocks anywhere.
CA - Well, what an opening ceremony! James Bond, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, showing the world that the greatest Britons are fictional.
AP - Sweltering conditions at the lady's beach volleyball final, but still those 4 blokes at the front row haven't taken their coats off.
AO - (drumrolls) TA-DA!
CA - (quietly) And that's the starting pistol, and they're running. They finished. To be honest, I usually do the snooker.
AP - Welcome to Greco-Roman wrestling, where a man from Greece and a man from Italy wrestle each other for the one euro coin they found on the floor.
HD - Clare Balding there, but very slowly, and she's still got more hair than Colin Jackson.
AC - And the long jumper from Sierra Leone there, raking the sand for landmines.
AO - You've got to admit, he's pretty fast for a white guy.
HD - Well, let's look at the 400-meter hurdles. Those are very big hurdles.
AP - And the winner is jumping up and down with delight, which will probably see them disqualified from the wheelchair marathon.
HD - Well, it's the treble, it's the three he wanted. Usain Bolt has really enjoyed his night with the Swedish women's handball team.
AP - And next up, it's the dressage, or as it's properly known, "Riverdance for horses."
AC - And now, it's time for the clean and jerk, and clean again with an old sock.