- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJ - Milton Jones
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
- CR - Chris Ramsey
- EB - Ed Byrne
Unlikely Complaints to TV Channels
CR - Dear Jim'll Fix It: Why aren't you replying to my letters?
HD - Dear Living TV: Stop breathing on me, you're freaking me out.
CA - Dear BBC: I find it extremely offensive that after each "Scene We'd Like to See", the host Dara O Briain appears to emit a loud fart!
EB - Dear BBC: why have you given Andy Parsons that ridiculous wig this week?
HD - Dear BBC: I recently saw something on the Antiques Roadshow I would like to purchase. How much is Fiona Bruce?
MJ - Dear Dragon's Den: I have lost my keys, and for that reason, I'm out.
JW - Dear ITV: I just watched Loose Women in high definition. Please remove this option.
HD - Dear Babestation: sorry for the scrawl, I'm having to write this with my left hand...
EB - Dear Babestation: I've watched your channel for 10 hours now and I've yet to see a film about a pig working as a sheepdog. However, I shall persevere.
CA - Dear Channel 5: I have watched Celebrity Big Brother. I think it should be renamed Big Brother.
EB - Dear BBC: why don't you get Irish comedian Ed Byrne to do a documentary about lady's pants?
CA - Dear Dave: have you seen Phil? Yours, Bob.
CR - Dear Embarrassing Bodies: I am a man trapped inside a woman's body. I, er, got mixed up between super glue and lube.
CA - Dear Dave ja vu: have you seen Phil ja vu? Yours, Bob ja vu.
MJ - Dear BBC: where can I get one of those blurred number plates you always see on television?
HD - Dear Embarrassing Bodies: I think there might be something wrong with my penis. I've enclosed it in an envelope for you to have a look at.
EB - Dear BBC: why have you changed the name of Snog, Marry, Avoid to Three Men in a Boat?
Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Survival Show
MJ - Not all of us survived last night's tropical fruit juice storm. Five alive.
HD - At last, I have found some nuts and some berries. I hate it when they rearrange the aisles at Asda.
EB - We dropped Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson in a remote area of the Amazon rainforest with no supplies and no means of contacting the outside world. You're welcome.
JW - There are many threats to the children of the Nobutu tribe: Crocodiles, snakes, Madonna...
CA - Unfortunately, you do have to improvise some things. I've been using these leaves to wipe my bottom which is why I've been thrown out of the salad bar.
CR - And to make this wigwam, I just used three poles, cause, well, they're good workers and they're cheap.
MJ - It's a terrible moment when your fellow mountaineer turns to you and says he's got his arm stuck in a crevace and you're gonna have to cut it off, and then when he comes round he says "No, not that one."
HD - Everyone in this gorilla's family has a role. Unfortunately, I'm his love bitch.
CA - If you're really lost, it's time to use your Duke of Edinburgh skills. Hopefully, you can offend to indigenous tribespeople enough that they'll chase you out of the forest.
EB - So now I'm gonna show you how to make a snare, just in case, God forbid, you ever have to improvise a jazz style drum solo.
JW - Perhaps the most rewarding thing about looking at the women of the Nobutu tribe is they have their tits out.
HD - Yesterday, I punctured my inflatable, which is terrible. There isn't a sex shop for miles.
MJ - So I'm at home, and there's an 8-foot anaconda snake coming through the letterbox. I think it's some kind of Amazon mix up.
CA - Tonight on Bushcraft, the vajazzle.