- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- KR - Katherine Ryan
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Cosmetics Commercial
JW - Do you want tighter, smoother skin? Why not try getting fat?
HD - For a rich, all-over tan, get into a bath David Dickinson's just got out of.
AP - Do you suffer from low self-esteem, feel like a failure, think you can't go on? Then take 200 Nurofen. That should do the trick.
CA - Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she got it off that guy in Ibiza.
MJ - Now Daphne here's wearing a lot of concealer... Daphne?
KR - What's my secret? I murdered my first husband.
AP - Want thicker, fuller lips? Then try telling a nightclub bouncer he's a twat to his face.
HD - Clinique: 'Cause "clinic" reminds you of chlamydia and stuff.
MJ - (Imitates putting on mascara) This eyeliner really works (Imitates licking a brush) and it tastes good too. That's why we call it "Chicken Tikka Mascara."
JW - I'm Dean Gaffney, and I'm worth it.
KR - We don't test any of our products on animals. We use Filipino children.
AP - Is your man hairy all over? Then why not try "Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes"?
HD - New anti-wrinkle cream for men. My scrotum has never felt so smooth.
AP - For the most relaxing bubble bath imaginable, why not have a little cheeky wank when you're in there?
JW - Do you dream of longer, fuller lashes? Then you should try re-evaluating your priorities!
CA - Sweaty from the tube, frizzy hair from the rain, black snot: she's got the London look.
HD - Three steps to a better skin: No crisps, no chips, no burgers.
Unlikely Things To Hear On Dr Who
AP - When I was giving you a quote as your cleaner, Doctor, I was giving you a quote from the outside.
HD - There isn't going to be a new doctor, I'm being replaced by a helpline.
MJ - That is the last time we park the TARDIS outside the Portaloos at Glastonbury!
CA - Davros we meet again. Oh: Lord Sugar, I'm so sorry
KR - Hey, saw you across the TARDIS and I think I regenerated in my pants.
HD - (as a Dalek) Doctor, Doctor, you must help me. I think I'm a pair of curtains.
CA - Tragic news about the Ood. There's been a flood, they tried to escape into the wood, but it didn't do any good, and now they're all dood.
MJ - No, I'm the doctor who works for the World Health Organisation.
CA - Yes, I mainly hang around young women. Yes, I was on television in the 1970s. Where are you going with this?
HD - You've got to believe me, Clara, this is our best chance. Now unzip my flies and I'll explain later.
AP - Let's go forward in time by an hour, then we get a quid off the pizza.
JW - Now the first thing to remember on Planet Xenon is turn off data roaming.
MJ - We are ten million years in the future. H. G. Wells has just got married.
CA - (Imitating Dalek voice) You are the doctor. I am the tracheotomy patient.
AP - I am the doctor, I am 1200 years old. And this is my assistant who's 27.