- HD - Hugh Dennis
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
- RB - Rob Beckett
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A DIY Show
HD - Many people have written to us asking how you can make your house greener. Simple: Paint it green.
JW - And there it is, a perfect patio and the police won't suspect a thing.
AP - No, no, don't bother putting the kettle on. We'll crack on with the work straight away.
RB - The walls are plastered and I'm a little bit shitfaced too, to be honest.
RR - Welcome to Bollywood Does DIY. Episode number one, change a light-bulb. (makes a lightbulb screwing motion)
GD - I'm Nick Knowles, and no matter how many DIY programmes I make, I'll never be as famous as my sister Beyonce.
AP - This week on Grand Designs, two more middle class tossers piss away their life savings on some glorified wendy house.
JW - After three hours of sawing, six hours of hammering and sanding all day, it's done! Finally, your neighbours have moved out!
HD - So for the best finish, rub vigorously up and down with a piece of sand paper, but be warned, you may get a very sore penis.
RB - We've managed to double the price of this house in Middlesbrough. We put twenty quid in the biscuit tin.
RR - Jen's parents really helped us out with the budget on this project by dying.
HD - (Lancashire accent) So drill the pilot hole, take the plaster board fixing, but before you countersink the baton ask yourself this: "Is it any wonder my wife left me for a table magician from Macclesfield?"
AP - We sandblasted several layers of varnish off, but sadly, there was very little of the real Dale Winton left.
GD - This week John from Peterborough successfully put a roll of wallpaper up himself, so we're taking him to hospital.
RB - We've got twenty-four hours to renovate Sharon's house. Let's start by smashing her back doors in.
RR - Sarah Beeny has helped Andy convert his semi into a full boner.
Unlikely Lines From A Romantic Novel
RB - He gazed into her eyes and said, "Is it better with this lens or this lens?"
JW - Godfrey looked behind the fridge. He was in luck. She was a slut!
HD - Will you make me the happiest man on earth? Will you marry me? Will you change your name? Will you become the next Mrs Goatybollocks?
AP - Yes the earth did move for me. I think they must have started fracking.
JW - As he looked into her eyes for the last time he whispered in her ear, "Always remember, we'll always have the bins behind Morrisons."
GD - Romeo, Romeo, five five Alpha Zulu Tango grey Skoda Octavia last seen heading towards M6.
RR - I've been looking for you my whole life. iPhone maps are crap.
RB - He made love to her like no man had ever done before, it was so intense she dropped her chips.
AP - "Fancy a coffee?" she said. He realised his luck was in and he started taking his clothes off, at which point he got kicked out of Starbucks.
HD - They skipped, hand in hand through the wood. "Oh look!" he said. "A yewtree, how appropriate."
JW - He was a strapping officer from World War I. She was disappointed with uniformdating.com.
AP - Daisy was everything he looked for in a woman: pissed with low self-esteem.
RR - She danced as if no one was watching, but people were watching and she looked like a twat.
HD - At last, I have found you. I have found you. Is it really you? Are you Wally?
RB - "Does this story have a happy ending?" he asked her. She snapped back, "Happy ending fifty dollar."