- HD - Hugh Dennis
- MJo - Milton Jones
- SW - Seann Walsh
- AP - Andy Parsons
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
- MJu - Miles Jupp
Unlikely small ads
AP - Do you want a larger penis? Beach volleyball, tonight on BBC One.
MJu - For sale: Four hundred jars of mayonnaise. Would suit the sort of person who's not that fussed by best before end dates.
JW - For sale: One pack of Polos. Unopened, mint condition.
HD - Sperm donors wanted. Please come quickly.
MJu - For sale: Horse. Would make excellent pet or pâté.
SW - Wanted: Someone to kill my dad so I have an X Factor backstory.
MJo - Lost, boomerang, last Thursday, somewhere oh wait it's coming back to me now.
AP - For sale: Dwarf jacuzzi. Could also be used as a foot spa.
HD - For vasectomy, liver suction and all small cosmetic operations, call Phil the overambitious tree surgeon.
MJo - Cleaning lady, £8 per hour or until lady is clean.
SW - Wanted: spessing lissons.
AP - Do you want your house to smell nice and spice up your sex life? Then why not try Glade Butt Plug-Ins.
JW - Goodbye dad, rest in peace. And perhaps if you hadn't gambled away all our money, this would be in obituaries.
HD - Wanted: New subject for Scenes We'd Like To See.
Unlikely Things To Hear On Crimewatch
AP - The police have said it's OK for the public to approach the gunman as he's sawn off the wrong end of the shotgun.
MJo - Hopkins has committed various food hygiene offences and there is now a Bounty on his head.
HD - And now a case of Grand Theft Auto. Someone has stolen the case of my Grand Theft Auto.
AP - The victim was marched to the cash-point and made to draw out £300. That's the last time he forgets his wife's birthday.
MJu - Goodnight and remember, don't shave white bears. No that's not it.
MJo - We believe the occult to be involved in this crime. This is the victim's phone and the last number is 666. Hang, on it's upside down.
JW - Were you at... No I fucked that... Were you at Yates-- oh my god that's a difficult one
Josh: Were you in Weatherspoons?
HD - A computer fraudster this week got away with 9 million nectar points. Police are looking for a disappointed man with one new wine glass.
MJo - Well that's all we've got time for on Crimewatch. We've talked about some serious things. But remember, don't have--- BLAAA!!!!
HD - Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they've been robbed because they use the items taken so infrequently. Take Dara O'Briain. Burglars stole his legs six months ago.
JW - Were you at Yates wine lodge at... Unbelievable, genuinely unbelievable.
SW - Were you at Yates' wine lodge? I don't bloody believe it. I can't believe my bloody eyes.
AP - Well we've filed that post office robbery. They charged me £4.50 to send a parcel second class.
JW - This afternoon, £10,000 worth of cocaine was stolen. Can whoever took it put it back in my dressing room?
SW - No, I don't know who took it. You know I don't.
MJu - Well, we hope that reconstruction jogged a few memories. If not, well, we've needlessly killed four more people.