- HD – Hugh Dennis
- CA – Chris Addison
- GD – Gary Delaney
- AP – Andy Parsons
- NC – Nathan Caton
- MJ – Miles Jupp
Unlikely Things To Hear On Radio
AP - You're listening to Radio Yewtree: The cream of the 1970s broadcasting live from Pentonville!
HD - This is Jazz FM. You're listening... by mistake.
CA - This is the Breakfast News. The Prime Minister had porridge, the Home Secretary had muesli.
MJ - My piles are giving me so much bloody gr...(groans). You're listening to Smooth FM.
AP - This is the Somali Shipping Forecast: DON'T GO OUT THERE!!
HD - This is Magic FM. Pick a frequency, any frequency.
NC - F9: hit. A2: miss. C3: hit. That was the Battleshipping forecast.
GD - You're listening to Radio 3. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
AP - On Talk Radio today, we've been discussing what a tosser Nick Clegg is. And now on the line we've got David from central London.
HD - That was "God Is Dead" by Black Sabbath. You're listening to Vatican Radio.
NC - And at number 1 this week: Jedward, proving that teenage girls can not be trusted with money.
CA - Well, I'm in the eye in the sky with the travel report. I've waited 20 years to file this particular report. If I look down, I can see red lorry, yellow lorry, red lorry, yellow...
HD - Don't touch that dial, I'm defrosting a pie.
GD - Next up on Radio 1, Nick Grimshaw. He's not very good, but he's only 28, so he definitely didn't get up to anything in the 1970s.
CA - Next, Ed Miliband lays out his policies in I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.
AP - It's now 10pm on Radio 4. And before the news, here's 5 minutes of free porn.
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Science Documentary
HD - My favourite element is helium. (high-pitched voice) I can't speak highly enough of it.
CA - The solar system is so vast, that it could comfortably accommodate your mum.
NC - The most fascinating thing is, if you really spend enough time looking at the alignment of the stars, your wife will leave you.
AP - They call it dark matter. Well, whatever it is, I've tried to flush it 4 times and it's still bloody there.
HD - The light from this new distant planet takes so long to get here, that we're actually seeing things that happened years ago, and that's why scientists have named it Dave.
AP - Tonight, we're discussing sport science: Is it a real job, or is it just PE when it's raining?
MJ - In our next experiment, we're going to prove that putting Dara Ó Briain in a room full of young people still doesn't make science interesting.
HD - So, if we look through the telescope, we can see the biggest black hole ever found... Oh no, I've left the lens cap on.
GD - Weren't D:Ream shit.
CA - How does your granny's stair-lift work? Well, it's all to do with nana technology.
AP - No, Nigel, that's not how you make a test tube baby. Get your penis out of the test tube.
CA - (speaks fast as Dara) So this is amazing right, so what you're saying is that somewhere, Professor Cox, in a parallel universe, there is a me with HAIR? (as Brian Cox) That's right, Dara!