- HD – Hugh Dennis
- CA – Chris Addison
- GD – Gary Delaney
- AP – Andy Parsons
- JW – Josh Widdicombe
- HW – Holly Walsh
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Fitness DVD
HD - OK, let's get you sweating in your own living room! I know you're an illegal immigrant!
GD - Today, we're going to work on our 3 problem areas. That's bums, tums, and Afghanistan.
AP - Do you want rock hard buns? Then you need to get to Greggs at around 5 o'clock in the afternoon.
CA - Really stretch it out, come on, really stretch it out, you're nearly there! Can you feel the burn, can you? Good! Ok, now you got your leotard on, we can do the exercise.
JW - So that's 3 minutes in, and it's time to wave goodbye to our American viewers.
HD - (Australian accent) Hi, I'm Elle MacPherson, and welcome to Wankercise.
HW - Hello, and welcome to Get Thin On Heroin.
CA - (Scouse accent) I got rid of all the extra weight I had when I was pregnant just by leaving him on a stranger's doorstep.
HD - If you find weights really boring, do what I do. Don't wait.
JW - Now, I find squats very important because I can't afford to pay my own rent.
AP - Are you still too big to fit into that dress? Don't worry about it, just go to Leeds. The women there don't seem to give a shit.
CA - And now I can completely fit into the bikini. Of course, sometimes my cock flops out, but....
HW - Hello, and welcome to Pilates At Home, all the fun of Pilates without the embarrassment of farting in a church hall.
AP - Hello, and welcome to Dara Ó Briain's Bunga Bunga Workout.
Unlikely Things For A Vet To Say
JW - Of course your monkey's got diabetes, you've been feeding him Coco Pops for 20 years!
HD - I know it's expensive, Mrs. Smith, but if you want your cat put down, you're going to have to make 9 appointments!
GD - No, I'm afraid Timmy won't be coming out of hibernation soon. That's because he's not actually a tortoise, he's a Fray Bentos pie.
AP - So what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna cut open the stomach of your Rottweiler, and hopefully, I'll have both of us out of here in no time whatsoever.
CA - Ah, if only they could talk. I'd be in prison...
HW - The bad news is, we've had to chop off one of Fido's legs. But the good news is, you put roller skates on him, that's 3 million hits on YouTube, right there.
HD - You're right Mrs. Thomas, this is the first beaver I've seen. Now what pet have you brought in?
JW - The good news is, your snake has survived. The bad news is he's never gonna walk again.
AP - Well sir, if you think this treatment is too expensive, I suggest you get your meerkat to find somewhere cheaper.
CA - Well yes, your horse is a little bit overweight, but it's nothing to worry abo... oh, it's a dog!
HD - We just ... we just had the test results back on the cows, and it's not good, I'm afraid. They're 10% horse meat.
JW - I'm afraid it's dead, Mr. Forsyth, but I would say, maybe you shouldn't have kept it on your head for so long.
CA - I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down. Rover, you're a fat lazy arsehole who couldn't catch a stick to save his life!
GD - Mr. Johnson, you spoil that dog. Not only are you overfeeding him, but he's quite capable of licking his own balls!