- HD - Hugh Dennis
- CA - Chris Addison
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- EB - Ed Byrne
- AV - Ava Vidal
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Sci-Fi Movie
HD - Captain's log, Stardate 2135....it's a Tuesday.
AP - Actually, Jeremy Kyle's just got the DNA results back. And apparently, Luke, I'm not your father.
EB - Commander Skywalker, bad news. We left R2-D2 outside to stand guard and the council took him away for emptying.
CA (camply) - I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. I've seen attack ships on fire off the Shoulder of Orion. I've seen....
MJ - There's a giant satsuma in front of the ship. Go to orange alert.
AP - First there was snakes on the plane, now the British remake: Wasps In A Car.
CA - You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down now I will become more powerful, get off you prick.
EB - What is it Captain? I've never seen anything like it in my life? Of course not, Scotty, it's the sun.
AV - Since you have got your laser gun trained on me, I've got a bit of stubborn hair just here... (points to upper lip)
MJ - Permission to beam down to the forbidden planet. No.
AP - I can see dead people. That's because I'm watching UK TV Gold.
HD - Here are the Sci-Fi football results: R2D..2, C3P..nil.
EB - Look at all those fading, dwindling stars, forced to eat bugs in the jungle.
MJ - If you leave our protection you will almost definitely die. Scotty, do you still want independence?
CA - Luke, I am your father. Go to your room.
HD - Captain. I don't like it when you call me "Spock Face".
AP - To boldly go where no man has gone before: Ann Widdicombe.
EB - How many Klingons does it take to change a dilithium crystal? Ten, one to change it and the other nine to chastise him for performing such a medial task as he's a member of a proud warrior race.
Unlikely Personal Ads
EB - I could be the man of your dreams... if you dream of a man who exposes himself to people on trains.
AP - I'm a cat person. I sleep all day and I bury my poo in the garden.
HD - For sex with no strings attached, don't shag a puppet.
AV - Katie Price seeks new husband, position temporary. Usual terms and conditions apply.
CA - Looking for love in all the wrong places? Well, you wanted to be a priest.
MJ - Ugly, fat bloke, looking for a supermodel with a sense of humour.
EB - Man prone to violent mood swings seeks lovely woman to go screw yourself I love you.
AP - Female, 22, 33, 52. One of them's my age. Are you feeling lucky, punk?
MJ - Agoraphobic seeks claustrophobic for doorstep encounters.
EB - I am Ponus of the planet Testicolon 8. I seek a human female to take my seed, make better world for both our planets. Dave, Croydon.
AP - Pessimistic man seeks depressed old lady, so as we can have some really shit times together.
AV - Gorgeous, 5 foot 11 black woman, amazing body, great rack... I just thought I'd put it out there.
AP - I'm a George Clooney look-alike who's looking for a woman with visual impairment.
MJ - Do you like swinging? Meet me down by the swings.
HD - I'm looking for a dominant woman. Tell me to call you.
CA - Do you like dogs? Good, 'cause I'm small, hairy and hung like a border terrier.
HD - Sophisticated, erudite man with fin-de-siècle tastes ... Seeks woman with massive norks.
CA - Man with massive cock seeks woman with large hen to discuss poultry farm.