- HD – Hugh Dennis
- CA – Chris Addison
- HC – Hal Cruttenden
- AP – Andy Parsons
- EB – Ed Byrne
- JW – Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things To Hear On Daytime TV
CA - Well, these four date from the early parts of last century, some wear and tear, little bit of tarnishing there, but please welcome today's Loose Women!
AP - Welcome to Channel 4 Daytime, or as you said to your boss this morning, working from home.
HD - Coming up next, 2 programmes you don't want to get confused: Escape to the Huntryside and Bargain... hang on.
CA - The next programme is pointless. It's The Jeremy Kyle Show.
AP - Coming up, Teletubbies Uncut. Yes, you're going get to see Tinky Winky's winky and Dipsy's Laa Laa.
HD - Next, Judge Judy. I have. She's shit.
EB - Hello and welcome to "Let's Decorate the Shit Out of This House"! This week we're decorating the shit out of a 3-bed semi in Orpington. SO LET'S DO IT! Let's Decorate the Shit Out Of This House!
JW - Next up, another property programme which is pretty offensive when we consider you're all unemployed.
HC - Hello, welcome to This Morning. I'm Phillip, I'm a man on television, so I can go grey and look older. This is Holly. One wrinkle and she's finished.
AP - So David wants to retire by the sea, so we've advised him to buy Norwich, so by the time he's retired, the sea would have come to him.
HD - Next on Flog It, the team meet their greatest challenge yet: A dead horse.
CA - And now, a trip round Dara O'Briain's head, in Hair Hunters.
JW - Next up, the Austrian version of Cash In The Attic, it's "Family in the Basement".
EB - Hello and welcome to "Let's Cook the Shit Out Of Some Dinner"!
HD - And now, on BBC One, let's make an appointment with Doctors. If we phone now, we may be able to see them next Thursday.
HC - Welcome to A Place In The Sun, the show that's for people who aren't sure if they want to live in Britain or move abroad. First up, Abu Qatada.
JW - Next up, on ITV3, it's a cutting edge American drama. I'm only joking, it's Taggart again.
EB - Hello and welcome to "I'm Going To Sell These Antiques if it Fucking Kills Me!"
Unlikely Things To Hear In Hospital
JW - I'm afraid we've lost him, but in my defence, Dr. Dre's just a stage name.
HC - Right, I'm afraid you have had a stroke, so can you now take your hand off my trousers?
JW - The good news is I can save your leg. The bad news is I can't save the rest of you.
AP - His heart stopped, quick! Get the defibr... defibrill... de...! Ah sorry, he's dead.
EB - Look, who's the doctor here, me or you? Seriously, I've been waiting for so long I can't even tell anymore.
HD - Ok, I think we should remove the mole. How did it get up there?
AP - Welcome to Ashford Hospital. Why not join me in playing "Pregnant or Fat?"
JW - Now students, we know the operation has been a failure because we heard a buzzing and his nose lit up.
HC - Welcome to the Cardiology Unit. BOO!
HD - No you've got to leave this afternoon Mrs. Smith, we need your bed. I'm shagging a nurse in it at 4 o' clock.
CA - Your husband is in a stable condition. His room's filthy and there's horse shit everywhere.
EB - You could look it at that way, or you can think of it as gaining a hook.
CA - Who him, that's my former husband. Well, because you asked me to bring in my ex Ray.
HD - I'm afraid we're a bit short of time today, do you mind if we pull the sheet over you now?
CA - I'm sorry, we're all full up at A&E, we're going to have to send you to B&Q.
AP - You'll just feel a small prick, and then I'll pull my trousers up and won't bother you again.
CA - Now what seems to be the probl-- FUCKING HELL!