- HD – Hugh Dennis
- CA – Chris Addison
- RB – Rob Beckett
- AP – Andy Parsons
- EB – Ed Byrne
- CR – Chris Ramsey
Questions Omitted From This Year's Exam
AP - Using pie, distract the fat kid next to you so as you can copy his answers.
HD - Using only the English language, write something.
CA - History: Henry IV, Henry V, Henry VII: Which was the greatest Hoover the caretaker ever had?
CR - Maths: Robert has 400 stamps. He'd like to put them in 12 different albums. He wants to have them equally in each album. How many friends does Robert have?
EB - Do you know the way to San Jose?
AP - Religious studies. If two men have been married for 10 years, for how long will they burn in hell for?
HD - If the fluid has been flowing at 21 litres a minute for 15 minutes, what on earth is wrong with my bladder?
RB - Fill your name at the top of the exam paper. If it's Tyler or Charmaine, get up, leave the school, and never come back.
EB - Using only the mass of the ass and the angle of the dangle, calculate the measure of the pleasure.
AP - If a man travels 12 miles each day to buy a loaf of bread, how long before he realises that living in the countryside is shit?
HD - Are multiple choice exams too easy? A) Yes.
CA - Optician's final exam: What do you think are the main causes of shortsightedness? And now? How about now? And now? What about now? And now?
HD - Media studies, Trick question 1: Name a business like show business.
CA - Geography: What is to blame for climate change? A) The sunlight, B) The moonshine, C) The good times, or D) The boogie?
Things A Weather Forecaster Would Never Say
EB - (sings) The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar... (points to Dara) Buzz.
CR - And these are the worst floods since records began, which was last year, when all the records were destroyed in that flood.
CA - This is a map, I'm not a giant...
AP - It's going to be a bit blowy today. It's my birthday and me wife promised me one...
CA - Later on, it's going to be raining cats and dogs, because a bomb's gone off in Battersea.
HD - Well, it was cloudy earlier. I think I may have a urine infection.
RB - 'S well hot, innit?
AP - Well, it was a frosty start for some of us this morning, 'cause I came in pissed again and accidentally got in bed with my mother-in-law.
HD - Well, you'd be glad to know that scientists have finally explained why we've been enduring this rather long spell of disappointing weather. Apparently, we live in Britain.
EB - And over the next 3 days, we will see some spells of rain. The entrails never lie!
CA - Things should be getting a lot cooler. I've just made friends with a black man.
HD - Well, I'm afraid you're gonna get wet later on. I'm following you and I've got a bucket.
AP - I'm sure the ladies are gonna to be wearing skimpy bikinis tomorrow, it could reach 90 degrees. Which is not bad for a man my age.
CR - It is going to be a scorcher, so guys you might as well just staple your balls to the inside of your thigh, cause those bad boys are going nowhere!
EB - Thank you very much, Dave. Yeah. Pretty easy reporting on things that have already happened. Now, predicting the future!
CA - And now the shipping forecast: Dogger, car park, my penis, rising slowly.