- HD – Hugh Dennis
- SF – Stewart Francis
- RB – Rob Beckett
- AP – Andy Parsons
- KR – Katherine Ryan
- EB – Ed Byrne
Extracts From DVDs That Would Never Sell
AP - Welcome to Exercise For Manic Depressives. Down. Up. Down. Up.
HD - Welcome to this "How To Use A DVD" Instruction DVD. First, put this DVD in the slot for the DVD.
EB - Steven Spielberg's Circumcision: The Director's Cut.
RB - Welcome to The Suffragette Story with me, Miley Cyrus.
KR - (as Johnny Depp) Ready to get fit, ladies? It's Johnny Depp, Pilates of the Caribbean.
HD - The main point of this self-help DVD is that only you can help you. No need for me then, thanks for the 20 quid.
SF - Hello. Welcome to Funeral Etiquette. When's the right time to fart?
RB - We are in Africa filming the continent's biggest predator. Madonna in Malawi.
HD - (German accent) Welcome to The Best Of German Who Do You Think You Are? So, your grandfather was a... okay we'll leave it there.
EB - Welcome to The Best Of Test Match Special. (imitates lighting a match) That one works!
AP - This is the DVD you've been waiting for: All the tweets of Alan Sugar read out loud by Stephen Hawking!
HD - Welcome to Filthy Dirty Nurses 2: The Rise of MRSA.
EB - Hello, I'm Ed Byrne. Welcome to Wank Yourself Skinny.
KR - Work yourself thin, with me, teen sensation Stewart Francis!
AP - It's the DVD we've all been waiting for: 2 politicians discussing Rwanda!
Unlikely Things To Hear On A Motoring Programme
HD - Listen to that deep throaty roar of the man I've just run over.
SF - George Michael says he's never driven a car that's handled so well on the pavement.
EB - Now I would describe this car as being very nippy, but apparently I'm not allowed to say that. I have to say it's made in Japan.
AP - I'm about to shag a bloke. Welcome to Ride My Pimp.
KR - Women everywhere have come together to announce their favourite car. It's... the red one.
AP - This car has a fail-safe anti-theft device. It's a Vauxhall Corsa.
HD - First, second, third, fourth. Yes, all my wives have divorced me because I'm such a twat about cars.
RB - It's just a car innit, who gives a shit?
- KR: Thank you.
KR - This car is actually owned by Jeremy Clarkson, which is why I'm running my key along it now.
EB - My first impression is that the dashboard layout is actually quite unorthodox and very minimalist. There doesn't seem to be a steering...uh...I'm sitting at the back.
SF - (sniffs) Ahh... it still has that new hitchhiker smell.
AP - I don't know about you, but I think it'll be quite nice to walk today!
RB - The sales have been surprisingly low for the new Renault Bellend.
AP - This car has been modified for the American market. It's got 6 cup holders, a sandwich stand and a small rotisserie attached to the dashboard.
EB - This week on Top Gear, we're going to be talking about some penises... cars! We're talking about cars! Cars! No! Cars!
HD - This car's personalised management system remembers who you are and how you drive. This morning it locked me out and told me to fuck off.