- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AM – Alistair McGowan
- GD – Gary Delaney
- AP – Andy Parsons
- HC – Hal Cruttenden
- MJ – Miles Jupp
Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say
AP - And the starting pistol's gone off and Oscar Pistorius has got his arms in the air claiming his innocence already.
HD - Well, good news here in Flushing Meadows: Murray has broken Djokovic. Both legs, one arm, he won't recover from that.
HC - Oh, clearly that's a dive by Tom Daley.
AM - So it's 1-1 at half time, and... sorry, I'm finding this hard to concentrate here. Gareth Southgate has just had me in absolute stitches.
GD - And that's an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction for the Ukrainian women shotput there as a bollock pops out.
MJ - Do you know? I've completely forgotten when England won the World Cup.
HD - 130kg, this would be a world record. But this small Peruvian is determined to swallow it and get it through customs.
AP - And as he approaches the corner at 200mph, they really need to check out this cyclist for drugs.
MJ - And as a mark of respect, the Great Britain water polo team will be wearing armbands.
HC - Croquet does not get better than this!
HD - Well, my watch has 3 additional minutes. Don't buy a Rolex from a street market.
AM - Hello, I'm Michael Owen. Welcome to the millions of you watching on BT Sport.
HC - And he's got 4 off one ball. That's a lot of children that Lance Armstrong has fathered.
MJ - And the sumo wrestler grunts as his opponent enters the ring, pretty sure that move's illegal.
HD - Well it's 1:30 and the covers are still on. Kevin Pietersen simply won't get out of fucking bed.
GD - And Tiger Woods is going his third hole of the afternoon. Surely by now he should have left the hotel.
AP - And welcome to the 2020 Tokyo Olympic sailing competi... OH MY GOD, GODZILLA! AHHH!!!
Commercials That Never Made It To Air
HD - I wipe my arse with Colgate and now I've got a ring of confidence.
AP - If it tastes like butter and spreads straight from the fridge, you've probably had a power cut.
GD - Condoms: Because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
HC - Ryanair: Because I'm worth shit.
AM - As leader of the Labour Party, I always like to look at my best. It's very important for me to have a smooth finish. Which is why I use the Mach4. As I often say, "That was a close shave, wasn't it, Gromit?"
MJ - Frosties: They’re... They're all right.
HD - New BG from Garnier. It foliates, hydrates, epilates, urinates--- Probably not that last one.
AP - Unlimited minutes, unlimited text, unlimited music downloads: Yes, it's our new Twat-On-A-Train tariff!
HC - Have a break. Have a wank.
GD - Maybe she's born with it. In which case, I probably shouldn't take the piss.
MJ - Mekele has to walk 5 miles everyday for fresh water. That's why she ought to be thinking of the new Mazda.
HD - (Yorkshire accent) Coco Chanel: Tastes bloody horrible, I'm sticking to Horlicks!
GD - Lidl: Because life didn't work out as you planned.
HC - Hi, I'm Kevin Bacon doing an ad on British TV. WHAT HAPPENED? (covers face)
AP - Have you got that bloated, uncomfortable feeling in your stomach? Then try going for a shit.
MJ - The DFS furniture sale is not currently on.
AM - This Christmas, get Mock the Week on DVD, featuring all the regulars, Dara O'Briain (imitates Dara speaking) let's see what we gonna do this week, Andy Parsons (imitates Andy speaking) Well, Milton Jones (imitates Milton speaking) ahhhm.., and of course, don't forget Micky Flanagan (imitates Micky speaking) East End Of London, and of course, Chris Addison, thank you very much.