- HD – Hugh Dennis
- AP – Andy Parsons
- MJ – Milton Jones
- EB – Ed Byrne
- RR – Romesh Ranganathan
- KR – Katherine Ryan
Things You Wouldn't Hear During An Election Campaign
KR - I know we didn't follow through on all that bollocks we said before, but this time we really mean it!
AP - We in the Green Party think we had a cracking election. Nobody's voted for us, but they've put all of the electoral literature for us in the correct recycling bin!
MJ - We will get rid of obesity by making the doors to chip shops really narrow.
EB - I visited a factory today, and a man let me ride on a forklift. It was good.
KR - We are not a racist party, though we are throwing a racist party tonight for Nigel's birthday.
MJ - Farage, this is my bunk mate. UKIP on the top bunk.
AP - For goodness sake, Boris, when we said "Press the flesh with the electorate," we meant shake hands!
RR - I'll probably gonna vote for Lib Dem.
EB - I think the best way for me to explain why you should vote for Conservatives, is with this rap *snaps fingers*
HD - Nick Clegg has demanded a recount. Here we go... one. Happy now?
RR - The public have spoken, and they said I'm a knob.
HD - We will shorten the waiting list for eye operations by building hospitals on the far side of busy roads.
RR - We plan to the replace the glass ceiling for women with something much easier to clean.
Unlikely Film Trailers
HD - (deep voice) One man, fights his greatest peril: Laryngitis.
MJ - Troy. Certificate 15. If you're too young, why don't you make a giant wooden adult...?
AP - Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler, in... well, it doesn't matter, it's going to be shit anyway.
RR - A UKIP film presentation: 101 Damned Asians.
KR - Tom Cruise in the most ludicrous Sci-Fi thriller yet: A scientology documentary.
EB - This summer, Russell Crowe is... punching people... randomly in... the face!
MJ - From the makers of Cockaone... (makes rooster noises) Cockatoo.
KR - Do you wanna build a snowman? Do you want to have the words to "Let It Go" in your head all the time until you die? Then come see Frozen. I dare you!
EB - Thor. You'd be amazed at how problems can be solved by a big man with a massive hammer.
HD - I Can't Read Productions presents Salmon Fishing In The Semen... Yemen!
MJ - Look! An ancient African city. From the makers of Timbukone...
RR - Russell Crowe stars as Bob Marley. The accent's so offensive, you won't even care he blacked up.
AP - No, this isn't The Day the Earth Stood Still. It's just that you're in Norfolk.
EB - Tom Cruise! Explosions! A flash of boob! That will do ya.
AP - Despicable Me 3, now starring as the arch-villian Gru, Dara O'Briain.
MJ - It looks like a runner bean, only smaller. From the makers of Monge One...
HD - "I only told you to blow the bloody door off!" In cinemas now, The Oscar Pistorius Story.