- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- JA - James Acaster
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SP - Sara Pascoe
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say
HD - And Hamilton takes the chequered flag. GIVE BACK THE CHEQUERED FLAG!
SP - And you join us tonight for the boxing. I really hope a fight doesn't kick off like las--- Guys, guys can't we just talk abou--- (sighs)
JA - Welcome to under 16s badminton, where the players are still laughing at the word "shuttlecock."
EB - Oh, and the club has connected beautifully there, but according to World Boxing Federation rules, that's an instant disqualification.
AP - And Switzerland takes the gold and hangs on to it even after the Second World War is over.
JW - He turns, he shoots, and that is a horrible end to the Grand National.
EB - Say what you like about dressage, I couldn't give a shit.
JA - And slippery barters in first of all, arms and legs second, belly-flop boy coming on the inside, and yes, I have forgotten the swimmers names and have resorted to funny nicknames.
JW - And you join me here in Helsinki for the final of the curling, and you know what that means: my career's going shit.
AP - And the referee checks his watch and realises it was given by the Brazilian FA and he's gonna have to return it.
HD - So will it be Oxford? Will it be Cambridge? Who will provide most of the new cabinet?
JA - And there's a streaker on the pitch. Two words: hubba hubba.
SP - And as they take the last bend, that is the end of the Bend Stealing Championships.
AP - And it's the relay, and he's made a grab for the baton. Oh, that's not the baton, but he's got a smile on his face anyway.
HD - AND ROSBERG MAKES A MISTAKE! HE RUNS WIDE INTO TURN 2! WHY IS HE RUNNING? GET IN THE CAR, YOU TWAT!
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Detective Show
JW - Next up on Channel 5 a woman has a painful wrist in RSI: Miami.
JA - Of course I dusted for prints. I'm his cleaner, and he prefers to be known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
AP - How did I recognise him from just his genitalia? Well, it was the red and blue paisley pajamas around the outside.
SP - Voltinken tinken a plinkenplonken uregla a bontil a ploga bun el buchil cavel bidutchel achovil achovan. Do you not speak Danish?
HD - This week Rosemary and Thyme are joined by two Indian detectives, Turmeric and Chili.
EB - So you're gonna arrest me for making rude and childish innuendos. I hope you don't expect me to come quietly.
JW - This week there's panic in Midsomer as they meet their first black man.
JA - Ah you said it was a whodunit. Yeah ,we arrested Hugh Dennis.
HD - I think I have solved it, Watson. No shit, Sherlock.
AP - There has been a henious crime committed on the Orient Express. Somebody has done a shit while the train was still in the station.
JW - Leave me alone Watson. I'm gonna go back into my mind palace and have the wank of a lifetime.
EB - The murderer has cut out the victim's tongue. Let's get that back to the lab, I've got some envelopes need licking.
AP - Now constable, the fact that you've had to redo the chalk outline seventeen times should surely be an indication that the victim is still alive!
SP - I shoot my gun like I shoot my load: Into my hand.
HD - You're under arrest. You're not obliged to say anything but anything you do say means you'll be an actor rather than an extra and you get payed a bit more.
EB - You say that at the time of the murder you were hosting Daybreak on ITV. So there's no witnesses to collaborate with.
HD - Hello, we're the fashion police, let's see the body. Ooh, blue with green. He deserves to die!