- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- RB - Rob Beckett
Things You Wouldn't Hear At A Party Conference
AP - Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, to the UKIP party conference.
HD - The leader's speech will be signed for the hard-of-hearing (pulls long nose, yawns, shakes fist)
RB - Welcome to the UKIP party conference. We've picked the most British place we could find. Welcome to Benidorm!
EB - And the good news is, the polling date is in, and we are just ahead of "Others".
MJ - Good news if you're a small mother. We are going to raise the mini-mum wage!
ZL - Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and welcome your new leader of the UKIP party, it's Mrs. Chowdry and her wife, Paula.
EB - Fellow members of UKIP, I think it is safe to say judging by the amount of Eastern Europeans working in the kitchen here that the soup we had for lunch was mainly piss.
AP - As the Lib-Dem leader I say to you: go back to your constituencies and prepare your CVs.
MJ - Let me say quite categorically that this party is (flips coin) in favour of nuclear power.
EB - Welcome Liberal Democrats. The theme of the conference this year: "Why are we bothering?"
RB - Please welcome to the stage your new Prime Minister, Mel B.
HD - And for the last time, for the last time can I assure you that the NHS is safe in our blood-stained money-grabbing hands.
Unlikely Things To Hear On Daytime TV
MJ - Good night.
ZL - Well welcome back to Dutch daytime TV, next up it's Hash in the Attic.
RB - Hello and welcome to The Chase. (Runs towards camera)
EB - Good evening--- sorry, good afternoon, forgot how badly my career was going there.
HD - Today on 60 Minute Makeover, David Dickinson gets resprayed with creosote again.
AP - Thank you for watching This Morning. Now put down the vodka, get dressed, and go to work.
MJ - Today on Jeremy Kyle, Jayden will be asking Mustafa... No I'd better not do that one now.
AP - Today's episode of Jeremy Kyle has just been cancelled.
MJ - Today on Jeremy Kyle, Jayden will be asking Spencer why he won't read his research paper on neutron decay in lithium isotopes. That was worth it.
AP - Today on Jeremy Kyle, Jayden will be asking Spencer where is Mustafa.
RB - Hello and welcome to Who Do You Think You Are? How Dare You! I Don't Care If You're A 70s DJ!
ZL - Welcome back. Well, we'll see if the police catch them before they actually hand over the drugs. Yes, it's Deal Or No Deal.
RB - Susan asked for a distressed look in her front room, so we told her her cat had been run over.
EB - Your watching More4 next up... (pause) I'm going to go with Come Dine With Me.
HD - The next programme has been sponsored by Dignitas: Come Die With Me.
EB - And next I'm going to be reading out some of your texts and E-mails. That's what you get for not locking your phone.
HD - Due to a misunderstanding, Flog It: Saudi Arabia has been cancelled.
MJ - Hello and welcome to Loose Women. (loosens body and walks back to place)