- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RB - Rob Beckett
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SP - Sara Pascoe
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Things You Won't Hear At The World Cup
RB - No one's guaranteed a star in this England team. The only thing that's now all on is Wayne Rooney's hair.
HD - Oh, that was a horrible two-footed lunge, but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up.
GD - And now our cameraman is gonna pick out some of the plainer girls in the crowd.
HD - Let's look at possession. Yes, seven Colombians have been arrested for it...
AP - That's Messi, oh Messi. Yes, Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised.
JW - There's little doubt now that Christiano Ronaldo is one of the world's all-time greatest twats.
SP - Welcome to Sugarloaf Mountain, the hardest levels on Candy Crush.
GD - And that's a very soft tackle as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet.
HD - Is he the finished article? That's the question. He did very well against Italy but Sterling has traditionally performed very badly against the Dollar and the Yen.
AP - And now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast, and our commentator, Ron Atkinson.
RB - You join us here in Brazil where it's still fuckin' well 'ot.
SP - Hey, who's heard what's going on in Iraq?
AP - There's six Brazilians in the wall and two in the foundations. That's the mafia for you.
JW - Four years later, Paul the octopus is back. And what a stew he made.
HD - Andrea Pirlo, the only player in world football to be named after the Palestinian Liberation Organization.
Unlikely Things To Hear On A Cookery Programme
RB - No, no, no, that's a flower, Nigella. (sighs)
AP - You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat, but if your wife does come in, close the laptop, pull up the trousers, and feign ignorance.
JW - The thing to remember when making your own pesto is you're wasting your time.
HD - So, pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing, sew up the mouth, and that should keep Gregg Wallace quiet for a bit.
GD - No I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits. I've just got a bit of eczema at the moment.
SP - If you add vodka into the tomatoes it really brings out the flavour. And if you add it to your wine you can pass out before the kids get home.
HD - You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere. They are goat's horn, chervil, and the frozen tears of an elf.
AP - I'm Antony Worrall Thompson. Today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles, and parsley, so I'm going to nip down to Tesco and shove 'em up my jumper.
RB - That's enough cooking, next up we've got some twat trying to flog a book.
SP - Mmmmm, does anyone know what's happening in Iraq?
JW - Welcome to Chinese Meals In Minutes. (Imitates talking on a phone) I'll have a nineteen and some prawn crackers.
HD - So alternatively it's Gas Mark four for twenty minutes. You're watching Dignitas television.
JW - This asparagus smells delicious. Now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday.
AP - After MasterChef, Celebrity MasterChef, and MasterChef: The Professionals, now it's MasterChef: The Only Five People In Britain Who've Not Been On MasterChef.
GD - We'd like to apologise for the misprint in this week's Radio Times. Paul Hollywood is, in fact, a massive cook.
JW - We only use the freshest ingredients, so this is Daisy and this is a stun gun.