- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
- MJ - Miles Jupp
- AP - Andy Parsons
- AB - Angela Barnes
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things To Hear In A School Assembly
AP - It's your own time you're wasting, so please think twice about choosing media studies as an option.
HD - We are not involved in extremism, and any suggestion we are is deeply offensive to us all here at the Jihadi Death-to-the-west Academy.
JW - Congratulations to the Year 7 football team who beat England.
MJ - There are two new girls in the school today, thanks to Louise in Year 9 who's just had twins.
AB - New school rule: Fom next term there will be running in the corridors 'cause we've had to sell off the gym.
RR - Just this morning, we confiscated a bag of cannabis, and now we're asking all students to come forward if they've got Pringles.
HD - Good news for last year's leavers: We have four at Durham. four at Edinburgh, four at Bristol, and you can't find a better selection of prisons than those.
JW - And now for show and tell, and here is Miles with his cheese collection.
MJ - Congratulations to the first eleven who yesterday beat St. Christopher's 37 - 0. St. Christopher's is an Intensive Care Unit, but nonetheless, well done.
RR - Well, I'm really sad to be leaving you as your maths teacher. I've got no idea why I've been made redundant, because I've always felt that I've given 110%.
HD - Just a note for 5D. When I said that Thomas should be in a blazer, I didn't mean set him on fire.
AB - No Ofsted inspection today, so burkas off.
AP - Now I know today is "No School Uniform Day," Barry, but we were hoping that you would wear something else!
JW - And now the register is the reason that Mr. Smith cannot be here at the school today.
HD - So if ever you feel the need to do drugs, have a word with the supply teacher.
Commercials That Never Made It To Air
AP - Come to Trago Mills. We've got peacocks and everything!
HD - We've got surprises in store. The escalators broken and the staff know fuck all!
MJ - Dignitas: It's not Au Revoir.
RR - Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex.
AB - Try Uniform Dating, because with the way government cuts are going pretty soon, it could be the quickest way to get a policeman to your house in an emergency.
HD - If you can find it cheaper anywhere else, tell us and we'll burn their shop down.
JW - The DFS sale has ended.
MJ - Have you been injured whilst doing voluntary work? Well that's your look-out, isn't it?
AP - The Dyson hand dryer: The perfect way to drown out the sound of somebody having a shit.
JW - Papa? Papa? No I'm sorry, Nicole, we've lost him.
AB - Buy Lidl wine, because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.
RR - Steven Gerrard drinks Lucozade. This has been a Red Bull commercial.
AP - News International: When you talk we listen.
HD - To qualify for second meerkat toy, Aleksandr has invaded Ukraine!
JW - Milk: Try and forget it came out of a cow’s tits.
MJ - Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product? Have you paid for advertising space until the end of the World Cup? Then you may be entitled to compensation.