- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
- HC - Hal Cruttenden
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SC - Susan Calman
- RB - Rob Beckett
Things A Sports Commentator Would Never Say
AP - Apologies. The sport you are watching is apparently squash, and not as I said earlier, "tennis in prison."
HD - Oh, I am sorry. You don't need a lip reader to see what he said after that challenge. He said "Fuck off!"
SC - 180! This man is rubbish at golf.
HC - Ne-ow. Ne-ow. Ne-ow. He's clearly hurt his knee.
RB - Italy have had three shots in the second half: Tetanus, rabies, and hepatitis.
RR - And here come the cocks-less four, so the women's doubles can begin.
HD - And as we wait for the final of the Butterfly, it's hard to believe that just yesterday all these competitors were still caterpillars.
AP - And there's a new event here at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. Yes, get ready for Shouting At Your Own Reflection In A Shop Window.
RB - Wow, unbelievable service! Three full bars on T-Mobile!
HC - And there's been a nasty clash in the Nigeria - Brazil game" Lime green with yellow. (groans)
AP - For those of you who want to watch the equestrian events, get your butler to press the red button now.
HD - (German accent) Welcome to the Nazi pro-am golf tournament. Hitler, as usual, is in ze bunker.
RB - Wayne Rooney has managed the full 90. Previously his eldest was 76.
SC - And the queen takes the bishop. This is turning out to be quite the royal wedding.
HC - And Suarez is being substituted. He's not injured, he's just full.
RR - What an incredible back-hand there from the Qatari President.
Unlikely Lines From A Thriller
HC - We meet at last Mr Bond. I'm from the Child Support Agency.
RR - I will look for you, I will find you, and when I do, you count to ten and try and find me.
RB - The story about the man that was killed getting a blow job: Die Hard.
HD - I have your wife. And unless you give me $15,000,000 I will give her back to you.
SC - Someone in here is the killer. Is it John? Is it Sally? Or is it that massive bear?
RB - (Rubs finger in mouth) Yeah, it's definitely semen.
HD - Okay, let me talk to the Navy seals. (makes seal noise)
SC - They were strangers on a train and they remained that way because they were British.
RB - Um, the cause of death is unknown but his last words were "PARACHUTES ARE FOR PUSSIES!"
AP - There's a mole in our organisation. Toad, Ratty, Badger, any idea who it might be?
HD - You are too late. Too late, look at the timer. In 15 seconds, my ready meal will be ready.
HC - Say hello to my little friend, Alan! "Hello"
AP - The truth? You can't handle the truth! So thank you for signing up to the Mail Online website.
RR - And that was the horrible moment that the comedian realised it wasn't a good thing to look like an Asian Rolf Harris.