- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- RK - Russell Kane
Unlikely Things To Hear In Court
AP - We the jury have yet to reach a final verdict, but we would like to have a guess: Is it Mrs. Peacock with a candlestick in the library?
HD - The defendant is, as you can see, an evil man with a black heart, but nice, firm buttocks.
MJ - The Guildford Four and the Birmingham Six were miscarriages of justice, but S Club 7 must remain in prison.
EB - If I'm guilty of anything it's caring too much and embezzlement. Embezzlement, embezzlement and caring too much, rhat's all I'm guilty of.
ZL - It appears we have a hung jury. Thank you gentlemen, you can put your trousers back on now.
AP - OK, Mr. Pistorius, there will now be a toilet break. Don't anybody else go in there!
RK - Before I pass down the sentence of death, how about a selfie? Oh my god, your death face is so random!
MJ - You are accused of stealing top of the range toilet rolls. How do you plead, quilty or not quilty?
ZL - No Mr. Culson, we're not going to tell you your sentence, instead we've left a message for you on Hugh Grant's voicemail.
HD - I am now going to pronounce sentence. Sen-tence.
AP - Mr Clapton, I put it to you that it is highly unlikely that you did not shoot the deputy, given that you have already admitted that you did shoot the sheriff.
MJ - Okay, "Rock a bye baby on the tree top..." Oh, alibi!
EB - Well it's been a long and complex trial, so before you sentencing... Let's have a look at some of your best bits!
RK - Mr. Pistorius, the court rejects your defence that at the time of the crime you were legless.
HD - And now Mr. Harris, it's time for your sentence. Can you tell what it is yet?
MJ - You are accused of unnecessarily advertising a make of smoothie. How do you plead? Be careful.
Things You Wouldn't Hear In A Nature Documentary
AP - Watch out for crocs, because anybody wearing Crocs is a bellend.
EB - But what's incredible about the emperor penguin is its ability to make you look like a shit father.
HD - This is the most fantastic migration I've ever seen. These Romanians are moving in next door to Nigel Farage.
RK - If you're in the jungle for a few months, use a leaf and some river moss from a bank. It really does feel like a lady.
ZL - Well it took some pliers and an awful lot of Gaffa tape, but I've finally got this flamingo's legs on the right way round
MJ - I have spent my whole life living with hyenas. It hasn't been easy, but there've been a lot of laughs as well.
HD - The barbs that come off these tiny creatures can be very painful. This one just called me a talentless wanker.
AP - The pack of meerkats surrounded the helpless lizard and within seconds he'd been forced to change his car insurance supplier.
RK - The comics or jestalings all jostled for position eager to present their humour to the large alpha male. (imitates buzzer)
EB - A badger, in its natural environment, on the hard shoulder being pecked at by crows.
HD - This lioness has just had four cubs, but it's not as sweet as it looks. She's just had three Brownies, two Guides, and an Adventure Scout.
ZL - And this little fella, this little bird, his head can literally turn three-hundred an.... No that's owls, isn't it?
EB - And now the male attempts to you-know-what by putting his thingamajig in the female's whatchamacallit.
ZL - And here I am in the shrubbery outside the BBC centre. And I think I've spo... I have, I've spotted one. This is extremely rare. It is, It's a female panelist.
AP - Just one bite from this snake can paralyse the nervous system in three seconds-- (Freezes in position)
RK - You'll have to excuse the trembling excitement in my voice as I'm currently being noshed off by Bill Oddie.