- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- KR - Katherine Ryan
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Small Ads
JW - For sale: One harp, really really used.
EB - For sale: One hang glider. Don't call before 2:00 as we're attending a funeral.
GD - For sale: Engagement ring, never used. Would suit heartless bitch.
HD - Do you need a dog walker? You lazy bastard.
KR - Comedian seeks harp for no-strings-attached sex.
GD - After leaving an abusive relationship I'm looking for a fresh start. Contact Scotland.
AP - For sale: Freezer, not working properly. Would make ideal fridge.
HD - Flexible nanny required. My wife only does a missionary position.
AP - For sale: Mitzuki 400 AKX3S with extended cab and vortex box with three brushes. Would suit somebody who knows what the fuck it is.
EB - Retired celebrity looky-likey seeks alternative employment. Also for sale: Wobble-board, didgeridoo and paintbrushes.
JW - Do you enjoy moon-lit walks in the park? Then you might have witnessed a murder last Thursday.
KR - Internet troll seeks stupid, fat, whore, lesbian bitch for stimulating conversational walks on the beach.
AP - For sale: Book of logic puzzles. Would suit somebody who wants a book of logic puzzles.
GD - Correction: Last week's notice was mistakenly placed in the "Men Seeking Men" column, but actually I am genuinely seeking someone to demolish my back entrance.
Unlikely Lines From A Superhero Movie
AP - Come quick, Batman! Catwoman has just regurgitated Robin at the kitchen door again!
HD - He stopped us again! Damn you, Lollipop Man!
EB - Hey Storm! I got something needs blowing!
AP - The dark knight rises, has a quick tug, goes flaccid again.
HD - Spider-Man is dead. And so was Fly-Man. Swallowed by There Was An Old Lady Woman.
KR - How was my date with Spider-Man? Well you know how the average person swallows seven spiders in their sleep? What if it's like a million more than that?
GD - Oh my god there's a coach full of children about to fall off a bridge on the M40. Still, not to worry, I can take the M1 instead.
JW - A gas leak at the orphanage? Sounds like a job for me, the Human Torch.
HD - You are the superhero every man wants to see, Girl-On-Girl.
AP - Help we need to film these scenes quickly! This must be a job for Cameraman!
GD - Of all the mutants, Magneto was the hardest to deal with as he was Bipolar.
EB - I am Patient Man. I work out everyday, eat a high fibre diet, and simply outlive my enemies.
JW - Faster than a speeding bullet, stronger than an ox, and that's why we'd like you to piss in this cup.
EB - They're getting away. What do we do Patient Man? We wait.
AP - Spider-Man, Spider-Man does whatever a spider can. "Help, I'm stuck in a bath!"
KR - I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if he likes me. I wonder if I'm fat. Wonder Woman.
HD - Is that your advice, Thor? Normally I just cook from frozen.
EB - The gates the the Netherworld are opening, Thor. Hit them with your fucking hammer!