- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- SP - Sara Pascoe
- RB - Rob Beckett
Unlikely Things To Hear At An Award Show
RB - And the Oscar goes to... a prison in South Africa.
HD - Welcome to the National Taxi Driver Awards!
AP - And the winner of Spiritualist Medium Of The Year Goes To... I'm getting a D... David, Duncan--- Trevor! Trevor it is.
SP - And the Pride of Britain award goes to... Scotland.
RR - And the award goes to 12 Years A Slave for Most Challenging Work Experience Placement.
RB - And the award for Most Dramatic Pause In An Award Ceremony goes to......
GD - Sadly he can't be with us tonight, so to collect the award on his behalf, Chief Inspector Harris of Operation Yewtree.
RR - And the prize goes to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Unfortunately, Dawn couldn't be here tonight, so to collect the prize, please welcome Sharon of the Planet of the Apes.
SP - Thank you so much. Thank you so much. But I just have to say that I was shit and should give it to Judy.
AP - And the award for Most Disappointing Sound Effect In A TV Show goes to... (Buzzer)
HD - This is the Identity Theft Awards, and I'm your host Dara O'Briain.
RR - And a spectacular entrance from Lady Gaga. She should probably cover that up.
HD - And the winner of this year's Academy Award is... St Joseph's Academy, Prestatyn.
AP - And here at the Sat-Nav Awards we'd like just to take a moment to remember the people we've lost this year.
RR - Welcome to the National OCD awards. I've got a feeling someone's gonna clean up tonight!
AP - Thank you for awarding me Sexual Fetishist Of The Year, and let me tell you, this is going straight up my arse!
Unlikely Lines From A Romantic Novel
HD - "This is the last time we can be together," he said. "Aren't you going to say something?" "Baa."
RB - "Yes, Yes, Yes!" cried Alex Salmond.
AP - As Christian Grey tied her to the bed, using some cotton-stretched slacks, and then started beating around the back with some Sicilian lemon cheesecake, she suddenly realised that he was heavily into M&S.
HD - "It's for you," she said. "My hair in a locket." "Oh fuck it," he said. "I wanted that cough sweet."
SP - Harold ran his hand up Connie's thigh. She giggled, made a note of it, and later on got £60,000 at a sexual harassment tribunal.
GD - (Imitates talking on phone) "I want your breasts, your legs, your thighs. I'm on the phone to Nando's, love, what do you want?"
HD - He searched her eagerly with his tongue, it's tip exploring every crevice, every orifice. God, he loved being a customs officer.
RR - Sarah's love made him feel like a young boy again, so he went off to find one.
RB - She found him on Tinder and lost him on Grindr.
SP - When she was in the shower he went through her iPhone and found something disgusting. She came out as he was leaving. "Come back! It wasn't me! They gave them free to everyone! I'd never download a U2 album!"
GD - They gazed into each other's eyes and their thoughts were so in tune, they both thought the exact same thing: "You'll do."
RR - Sean knew that the love of his life had to have a good sense of humour, because while she was laughing she wouldn't be watching her drink.
AP - He looked at her naked body and then he looked into her eyes. His heart started pounding and he felt a tingling sensation. What a shit time to have a coronary.
HD - For the first time in her life she reached a shuddering, juddering orgasm. She had no idea that such a thing could happen if you leant against the Hotpoint during the spin cycle.
GD - As Mr. Darcy kissed her neck, she flushed angrily, "GET OUT, I'M HAVING A SHIT!"