- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RB - Rob Beckett
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- HW - Holly Walsh
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
Unlikely Things To Hear On A News Programme
RR - As I report from my sixth day here in war-torn Syria, I think the lesson learned is that I should never have called my producer a wanker.
HD - According to statistics the French economy is now the weakest growing of all the economies in Europe. (Chuckles)
RB - Sport now. All Manchester United fans please look away. (Waves fist)
HW - You've reached Al-Jazeera news which means you're only 20 channels away from actually finding porn!
RB - Ere, you'll never guess who's dead.
MJ - Just time now to see what the papers say. (Crumples scrunched up piece of paper)
RB - We will now attempt to talk to the survivors of the cliff fall. YOU ALL RIGHT, MATE!?
AP - After the fire in the aromatherapy candle factory, the situation is now calm.
HD - And now over to our foreign correspondent. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!?
MJ - Now it's time for the news near you. (Runs towards camera) HELLO!
RB - There are human remains on the blood stained streets and the despair in the eyes of everyone you meet. Rob Beckett for BBC News, Magaluf.
RR - There continues to be heavy shelling here. Romesh Ranganathan at the peanut factory.
MJ - Now it's over to our toys and games corespondent, Natasha Kerplunksky.
AP - And eventually the sun will go supernova, the will become dark and frozen, and everyone will die. That was the long-range weather forecast.
HW - To my right, in my peripheral vision, Andy Parsons is showing us his penis. More on that as it unfolds.
AP - We go over now to our vegan correspondent. I'm terribly sorry, he appears to have gone strawberry.
RR - And David Cameron has delivered on all his promises to the Scottish people.
HD - Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's papers. So The Times and The Telegraph lead with industrial strife and in The Sun we can see that Caroline from Dagenham has got a terrific pair of norks.
Things You Wouldn't Hear In A Medical Show
HW - I'm sorry, I know nothing about the inner workings of the human body. Honestly, (Puts hand on her crotch) hand on my heart, it's a....
AP - I'm Dr. Christian and remember, however embarrassing your condition is, you'll never look as weird as I do.
MJ - Health officials have shut down the village fete. Apparently, there was an outbreak of tombola.
HD - I think we've got the balance about right here. The hospital is clean, but the nurses are filthy.
RB - We'll be starting the procedure by numbing your breasts. Nomnomnomnomnomnomnom nomnomnomnomnom.
HD - Well that really is an enormous growth, Mr Thomas. I think it might be better to leave it and remove you.
RR - Please let me assure you, it's perfectly normal and the swelling will go down. It's just that I find you really attractive.
HW - And if you've been affected by any of the issues on Embarrassing Bodies tonight, THINK HOW I FEEL, I HAD TO TOUCH IT!
AP - So if you'd like to bend over. I'm just going to check your prostate. May be slightly uncomfortable. I'm going in now. Look, no hands!
MJ - Now our next guest, believe it or not, is both a poo and a lice inspector. Sorry, police inspector.
RB - Of course I know what I'm doing. Gimme the defibrillator, am gonna defrib summin.
AP - Yes I'm afraid it's the big C. Yep, Jeremy Hunt is paying the hospital a visit.
HD - This week on Embarrassing Bodies: FIFA.
RR - I'm afraid there's been a problem with your x-ray. He's put a sex tape of you up on the internet.
MJ - This is where obese people need to step up to the plate--- Step away from the plate.
HW - So I'm off to give blood. Or as I like to call it, "Self-harm for a biscuit."
MJ - People say "give blood, give blood" but it really freaked the kids out on Christmas morning.
HD - Welcome to another episode of Bush Doctors, or as I call them, gynecologists.
RB - In just one week on a lads' holiday, Kevin got an STD, had his stomach pumped, and lost a finger. LEGEND!