- HD - Hugh Dennis
- AP - Andy Parsons
- KR - Katherine Ryan
- MF - Matt Forde
- JA - James Acaster
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Commercials That Never Made It To Air
HD - Fungal foot problem? Urgh.
AP - Have you been injured in an accident that wasn't your fault? Of course you have, because that is a definition of an accident.
KR - FIFA Summer sofa sale! Total office clearout! Bribe now, pay later!
JW - Andrex: 'Cause who wouldn't wipe their arse with a puppy?
HD - Carlsberg don't do your girlfriend. But I have. (winks)
JA - WHASSUP!!! Yea, mate. I got some bad news about your dad...
KR - Why pay more for ratchet triffling-assed pilots, when you can get where you're going on easyJet? A basic bitch will get you there.
HD - We call it a Happy Meal. The cow we killed wasn't too chuffed, though.
AP - Waitrose: 2 for the price of 3.
MF - We had debts all over the place, but Wonga took all those debts and put them into one simple loan. They also took our house.
JW - Do your vet's bills get on top of you? Then why not try Dognatas?
JA - Wanna save money on biscuits? Easy, give blood.
AP - From Laboratoires Garnier Paris, because if we said it was “From Unit 5 of a Luton industrial estate”, you wouldn’t buy it, would you?
JW - Struggling to sleep? Then why not try 10 cans of Stella?
AP - Did you mistake your girlfriend for a burglar on Valentine's Day? Then you need to go to Specsavers.
HD - I can't breathe! I can't breathe! The Lynx Effect.
JA - That one's accent is a bit more racist than that one's accent. There you go. I just compared the meerkats.
Lines You Wouldn't Hear In A Sci-Fi Movie
JW - Hi, is that NHS direct? Yeah, I've a bit of temperature, and I've got an alien coming out of my stomach. Two paracetamol, okay.
HD - Ok, Mr Sulu, set course for the fourth quadrant of the Orion Nebula. I think there's a Nando's there.
MF - We're sorry to announce that there is a replacement beam down service this weekend, between the ship and Planet Splooge.
JA - You've got to imagine this in Scottish accent. "This is our Independence Day!" There you go.
AP - They've abducted us, and took us to their spacecraft, and explored our bodies with strange probes. I'd be honest it was the best stag night I've ever been on.
KR - This man can now reach the full potential of his mind. Joey, Joey, wake up, wake up! You can tie your shoes. Ream.
AP - What the people don't know, Captain Kirk, is when I do that V thing, that means in Vulcan "I've had your mum."
HD - I think this time tunnel is broken. We've gone a thousand years into the future and Bruce Forsyth is still working!
JW - If you take the red pill, you will enter the Matrix. If you take the blue pill, you'll have a boner for 7 hours.
JA - This is it. The machines have taken over. #Apocalypse
MF - Yeah. Better look at it, mate. The problem is your nano booster is shot and your warp drive is fucked.
HD - Our planet is dying. We seek a new home. Which of you is Phil and which of you is Kirstie?
KR - (exhausted) The dinosaurs are killing everyone. Why do we keep reopening this park? Who keeps giving us public liability insurance?
JW - So the plan is, you get into the time machine, go back in time, and cock block Hitler's dad.
JA - Phone home. "Phoning Joan". No, phone home.