The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the tenth episode of the fourteenth series.
- AP - And that’s a wonderful sleight of hand from the Welsh fly-half. He’s picked up the loose ball, he’s tucked it back into his shorts, and nobody seems to have noticed.
- HD - I can see Nico Rosberg’s helmet!
- JA - Apologies, after 15 years in this job, I’ve just been told it’s not pronounced “Croqwet”.
- RB - And after that victory, there will be dancing on the street of Samoa tonight!
- HD - 100 metres in 4 hours, 26 minutes, and that is metre reading at its very best!
- JW - Now, Garry Kasparov, he’s going to remove his porn, and he’s done it just in time, his wife’s home, but he’s got it under the bed!
- JA - Welcome to beach volleyball, the players are currently getting changed into their kits, while their mums hold up a towel in front of them.
- RB - And Shane Warne will be laughing on the other side of his face after that surgery.
- AP - I would like to apologise, what you are watching is in fact, judo, and not as I said earlier, Timed pyjama cuddling.
- ET - Now, this will be easy for Rory Mcllroy, aw, how has he done that? All he had to do was say “Get a Santander 123 Current Account”!
- JW - Kasparov toying with his bishop, and oh, his wife’s home, she’s caught him!
- JA - Ha! That pot was remarkable, but now, I’ve got a major case of the munchies.
- JW - We’d just like to refuse the idea that the BBC has lost coverage of all good sports. We now cross to a girl playing noughts and crosses against a clown.
- ET - What a thrilling cricket match!
- HD - LEFT HAND, BIG RIGHT HAND, RIGHT HAND AGAIN, BIG LEFT HAND... Why has no one put these gloves in pairs!?
- RB - What the fuck is a furlong?
Unlikely Things For A Continuity Announcer To Say
- AP - On ITV2 next, What Katie Did Next, which I guess is get her tits out and marry a thick prick for publicity purposes.
- HD - I can see you.
- ET - A very special episode of Songs Of Praise now, coming live from Stringfellows.
- JW - That was Game Of Thrones, and if you’ve been affected by some of the issues raised in that show, what the fuck is wrong with your family?
- HD - Is masturbation bad for you? That’s not the next programme, I’m just thinking aloud.
- RB - Next up, Baking and Entering with Anthony Worrall Thompson.
- JW - Next up, Ross Kemp meets one of America’s toughest gangs, but before that, a minute’s silence for Ross Kemp.
- JA - NO! ARGH! Some bullshit! I hate it when the Eggheads win!
- ET - Now on Channel 4, One Born Every Minute, including graphic scenes of childbirth that some viewers may find inspiration to get a coil.
- HD - And now on Channel 4, Skins... (chuckling) foreskins.
- AP - Next up on Channel 4 minus 2 divided by 3, Countdown.
- RB - Next up, we have literally the only episode of Top Of The Pops 2 we’re allowed to show.
- JA - That was Mock The Week. Wasn’t it weird one of them said the exact same thing I’m saying right now? Still, talented fella.
- JW - Next up on BBC One... wait a minute, there’s hippos swimming in a circle, what? And why are we watching Homes Under The Hammer!?
- JA - Now, it’s one of those The X Factor episodes where they sing next to a swimming pool, I presume to prepare them for a life singing on cruise ships.
- AP - You’re watching The Adult Channel +1, because that Viagra was taking a while to kick in.
- HD - Well, next up, it’s Midlands Today, so if you’re watching in the Orkneys, you can fuck off.