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The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the eleventh episode of the fourteenth series.
Key[]
HD- Hugh Dennis
RB- Rob Beckett
EB- Ed Byrne
MJ- Milton Jones
EG- Ed Gamble
HW- Holly Walsh
Topics[]
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A News Programme[]
RB- And the markets are as follows. (as a peddler) Three pound of loose banana there, three pound of juicy strawberry!
HD- Well, he went in half an hour ago and he still hasn't come out, so I can only assume he's having a very big poo.
MJ- Sad news now: Wally has been found. His funeral's next week. No one knows where, but that's what he would have wanted.
EG- As I stand here in this village, where the water is ridden with disease and human faeces, we have to ask ourselves one question: Why did I choose to wear flip-flops?
EB- (mimes throwing something) Sorry. Sorry. I just wanted to check something. I'm standing just a stone's throw from where the meeting is taking place.
HW- With thousands dead, there looks like no end to the bloodshed. I've been Holly Walsh for the BBC reporting from Midsomer.
RB- Welcome to Fox News. The bastards have been through the bins again and shit on the drive.
MJ- And the Italian wing of Heinz soup has been put into adminestrone.
EB- I'm on the scene where the search continues for the beloved pantomime star. What's that? He's where?
HD- The fighting here has been drawn out and bloody, but I have finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky News.
RB- We cross live now to the King's Road where Jose Mourinho has no trousers or pants on and is telling the pigeons it's the referee's fault.
HW- And we've got Barry Chuckle on the scene of the crime. Barry, to you.
MJ- It's not good news. I've just been talking to the American ambassador and said to him, "Surely now Osama Bin Laden has gone from terrorist to martyr." He said, "We say to-may-to."
EG- Is there sexism at the BBC? Let's ask Sally Johnson, who's our lovely smiles and pretty cakes correspondent.
HD- This is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona Bull Run-- FUCKING HELL! (quickly runs back to the desk)
Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters[]
HW- (pregnant) Dear Deidre: Why does semen make you fat?
MJ- Dear Deidre: I have spent the last six months living with a beautiful woman, but yesterday she found out.
RB- Dear Deidre: I swear Eastern European meerkats are trying to sell me car insurance. Am I going mad?
HD- Dear Deidre: Last time I wrote to you, you told me that there was nothing wrong with masturbation. Why then, yesterday, did I get thrown off the bus?
EG- My girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?
EB- I have terrible trust issues. Please help me, Deidre, if that's your real name!
HW- Dear Deidre: My husband is pressurising me to try Alan. Also, how do I turn off predictive text?
MJ- Dear Deidre: I have just bought a Diesel VW and I am fuming.
EG- My wife wants us to experiment in the bedroom, but last time we did that, the Bunsen burner singed my pubes!
EB- Dear Deidre: I can only achieve orgasm while writing a letter. Do you think that-- (climaxes) It doesn't matter.
EG- (shouting) DEAR DEIDRE: HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?
RB- Dear Deidre: Look, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. Is there any other tips on satisfying my wife?
HD- As we own our own business, my wife and I often make love at work and we love to try new positions. Tomorrow, I'm finance director and she's head of I.T.
EB- Dear Deidre: I have a mole on the end of my penis. How much trouble am I in with the RSPCA?