HD- Hugh Dennis
RB- Rob Beckett
EB- Ed Byrne
MJ- Milton Jones
EG- Ed Gamble
HW- Holly Walsh
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A News Programme
RB- And the markets are as follows. (as a peddler) Three pound of loose banana there, three pound of juicy strawberry!
HD- Well, he went in there half an hour ago and he still hasn't come out yet, so I can assume he's having a very big poo.
MJ- Sad news now: Wally has been found. His funeral is next week. No one knows where, but that's what he would have wanted.
EG- As I stand here in this village, where the water is ridden with disease and human feces, we have to ask one question: Why did I choose to wear flip-flops?
EB- (mimes throwing something) Sorry. Sorry. I just wanted to check something. I'm standing from just a stone's throw from where the meeting is taking place.
HW- With thousands dead, there looks like to end to the bloodshed. I've been Holly Walsh for the BBC reporting from Midsomer.
RB- Welcome to Fox News. The bastards have been in the bins again and shit on the drive.
MJ- And the Italian wing of Heinz soup has been put into adminestrone.
EB- I'm on the scene where the search continues for the beloved pantomime star. What's that? He's where?
HD- The fighting here has been drawn out and bloody, but I have finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky News.
RB- We cross live now to the King's Road where Jose Mourinho has no trousers or pants on and telling the pigeons it's the referee's fault.
HW- And we've got Barry Chuckle at the scene of the crime. Barry, to you.
MJ- It's not good news. I've been talking to the American ambassador and said to him, "Surely now Osama Bin Laden has from terrorist to martyr." He said, "We say to-may-to."
EG- Is there sexism at the BBC? Let's ask Sally Johnson, who's our lovely smiles and pretty cakes correspondent.
HD- This is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona Bull Run-- FUCKING HELL! (quickly runs back to the desk)
Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters
HW- (pregnant) Dear Deidre: Why does semen make you fat?
MJ- Dear Deidre: I have spent the last six months living with a beautiful woman, but yesterday she found out.
RB- Dear Deidre: I swear Eastern European meerkats are trying to sell me car insurance. Am I going mad?
HD- Dear Deidre: Last time I wrote you, you told me that there was nothing wrong with masturbation. Why then, yesterday, did I get thrown off the bus?
EG- My girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?
EB- I have terrible trust issues. Please help me, Deidre, if that's your real name!
HW- Dear Deidre: My husband is pressuring me to try Alan. Also, how do I turn off predictive text?
MJ- Dear Deidre: I have just bought a Diesel VW and I am fuming.
EG- My wife wants us to experiment in the bedroom, but last time we did that, the Bunsen burner signed my pubes!
EB- Dear Deidre: I can only achieve orgasm while writing a letter. Do you think that-- (climaxes) It doesn't matter.
EG- (shouting) DEAR DEIDRE: HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?
RB- Dear Deidre: Look, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. Is there any other tips on satisfying my wife?
HD- As we own our own business, my wife and I make love at work and we love to try new positions. Tomorrow, I'm finance director and she's head of I.T.
EB- Dear Deidre: I have a mole at the end of my penis. How much trouble am I in with the RSPCA?