- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RB - Rob Beckett
- MJ - Milton Jones
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ET - Ellie Taylor
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Survival Show
JW - This is the most terrifying animal you can see in the wild. It has the body of Posh Spice...
MJ - Of course, if you're on an expedition, you must always make sure you've boiled all the water. Now, this could really slow you down if you come to a lake...
ET - It's been 17 days since my last proper meal, and I am beach body ready, bitches!
RB - Bear, are you related to George Foreman Grills?
AP - I've not had a bath for days on end and that's because Rob Beckett's dad is in there.
HD - There is barely any water here, so we've been collecting our urine. But this morning, some of it was gone. And that is taking the piss.
MJ - Spent 3 days in the jungle with nothing to eat but raw caterpillars. I remembered when I walked back into civilisation, there are a few butterflies in my stomach...
JW - When I was thirsty, I was forced to drink my own urine. I'm now hungry and dreading dinner.
RB - And when you're in the wild, you've got to remember what you learned at scouts: Don't tell anyone our little secret.
HD - Night's falling, it's raining, and I'm in the shelter but it still feels dangerous here. There are 6 teenagers staring at me and the bus doesn't arrive for 20 minutes.
AP - If you suddenly see a bear, extremely close to you, the best thing to do, stand stock still, pull down your trousers, and just let it have sex with you.
ET - On the men's island, Derek's drinking coconut water because Derek is a hipster twat!
HD - After 3 months totally alone on the island, it's amazing that John hasn't gone mad. Isn't that right, John? Yeah...
MJ - So I've managed to make a raft to escape the island, by smashing up some boats.
Unlikely Things To Hear Over A Tannoy
RB - Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon, and welcome to Waitrose, you smug, rich pricks!
HD - This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill. Would somebody please go to the power tools aisle and get me a drill?
AP - If you see an unattended bag, please don't report it. Remember, you're in World of Luggage!
ET - Good evening ladies. Topshop will be closing in 5 minutes, please make your way to the till, unless you're over 30, in which case, piss off to M&S, you ancient old hag.
JW - This is an announcement for the front desk of the swimming bars. Could Doctor Someone's-Done-A-Shit-In-The-Pool please come to reception?
HD - Would the couple having sex in aisle 2 please stop? Spillage in aisle 2.
AP - The 16:25 has unfortunately been cancelled, and has been replaced by a replacement bus service. EasyJet would like to apologise for passengers who are going to Greece.
MJ - (as an old man) I only work in the post office for the crumpet, watch this. Widow number 2, please.
ET - In tonight's performance of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the part of the Child Catcher will be played by a 1970s TV presenter.
HD - Welcome to Sexist Airways. I'm just going to pop on the seat belt sign for a moment, as we're swapping to a lady pilot.
JW - We're now coming to land in Russia, where the local time is 1956.
RB - Welcome aboard to the one-way Saga service special to Switzerland.
MJ - (makes alarm noises) Attention to the submarine crew of HMS Nando’s, be careful not to burn your eyes on the peri-periscope.
JW - Lost children can be found at the lost children tent. If they're not claimed by the end of the day, they will be destroyed.
AP - Welcome to Megabus. Things haven't worked out quite as well as you hoped, haven't they?
HD - Welcome to the Sexist Supermarket. Check out number 3!