- HD - Hugh Dennis
- RB - Rob Beckett
- MJ - Miles Jupp
- AP - Andy Parsons
- RR - Romesh Ranganathan
- TS - Tiffany Stevenson
Unlikely Greeting Cards
HD - Roses are red, violets are blue, sorry you're dead, what can you do?
AP - Sorry you're leaving and sorry to break it to you in such a cowardly fashion.
RB - Happy Father's Day, whoever you are, wherever you are.
MJ - Roses are red, violets are red, the greenhouse is red, I think I'm bleeding to death.
RR - At this difficult time I'm thinking of you, wearing suspenders in a mask.
HD - I saw this and thought of you... blank inside.
AP - My feelings can't be put into words, although the judge did describe them as inappropriate.
MJ - That was a scrape. Congratulations on your circumcision.
HD - Congratulations, you did it, and we'll prove it- The Crown Prosecution Service.
RR - It's a girl... not a woman, which is why you're going to prison.
RB - With deepest sympathy for the loss of your grandmother/happy housewarming!
MJ - You've passed... away.
RR - 21 years... and this time you'll probably die in prison.
TS - To our darling son, on your 21st birthday: Now get the fuck out of our house!
MJ - Please help me, I'm trapped inside a North Korean card factory. Also, Iron Man says Happy 4th Birthday.
AP - Roses are red, violets are blue, when you go down on me, please don't chew.
Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Science Documentary
HD - The dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant asteroid. Silly them, for all standing in the same place.
RB - Does it burn anything other than bunsen?
RR - He named the star after himself, and now we find ourselves looking at Arthur Cockmonster III.
HD - So, it glows in the dark, and has a half-life of a thousand years. Frankly, I've never done a poo like it.
RB - On today's show, we'll be talking about the Jurassic period, where only dinosaurs and Bruce Forsyth roamed the earth. ... He's old, ain't he?
AP - For Sarah Palin, it's conclusive proof that man and dinosaur existed together. For everybody else, The Flintstones is just a cartoon.
TS - Next, biology. Why is that gorilla so sexy?
MJ - When the proton sees the electron...
RR - Scientists in Loughborough found the formula to make the perfect cup of tea, which is quite controversial as the grant was for AIDS research.
TS - You've been watching me, Richard Dawkins. Good night and God bless.
RB - And the problem with cocaine is it's well moreish.
MJ - Well, we could ask a proper scientist about it, or we could ask Dara O'Briain.
AP - Hello, my name is Dara O'Briain. And to try and bring science to the masses, I'm going to appear in a program with Stephen Hawkin, wearing a ridiculous hat.
- Dara: Just... just enough, with the... you know. I loved that hat by the way...
AP - Hello, my name is Dara O'Briain. And I've got a massive head, and a massive brain, but all I get to do in this bit is just press a little button!
HD - Mr. O'Briain, I award you a Ph.D: Phenomal Head, Dara.
RR - I would just like to say, I think Dara O'Briain's a legend.
HD - I work with Dara O'Briain. And today my experiment is to turn this joke into a P45.