- HD - Hugh Dennis
- EB - Ed Byrne
- MJ - Milton Jones
- MF - Matt Forde
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things For A Sports Commentator To Say
JW - Embarrassing, humiliating, being shamed on the sport. Welcome to Wimbledon Today with me, Clare Balding.
EB - And it all comes to this. After years of training and preparation, I'm commentating on the poxy water polo.
HD - Mo Farah has apologised for his association with substances that the British public regard as abhorrent, and has said he will never advertise Quorn again.
ZL - Welcome back to golf, where Tiger Woods apparently travels with 2 inflatable sex dolls now in case he gets a hole in one.
MJ - And he's found a chocolate biscuit down the back of the sofa, but he's not going to celebrate because it's his old club.
MF - And he's resting two balls on the cushion there, which is why he won't be allowed back into IKEA.
JW - And he pops the cork and he's spraying everyone with champagne. Welcome to the first Conservative budget since 1996.
MJ - Here we are at the Crucible ALL BURNING TO DEATH! AHHH!!!
ZL - Well, that was speed skating. And now, crack cocaine curling.
MJ - The American and the Russian are out in front, and here comes the Finn. Yes, they're going to swim a lot faster now that a shark is chasing them!
JW - And so they brought up a curtain around the horse that fell earlier, but no, we've got good news, he's moved to a farm in the countryside.
HD - Well here we are, at the rugby league, it's tough men, it's better than rugby union, and at the same time ever so slightly more gay.
MF - And this decision is going to a tough judge, and... Yes, it's sexual harassment!
HD - Well, this is his 3rd attempt with the bar at this height. Nope, still can't get served.
EB - And here comes the 2 Red Bulls which is what you'll need to keep yourself awake during Formula One.
JW - I'm joined here by Balding, or Alan Shearer as he likes to be known.
HD - Raikkonen now on super-soft. The Viagra simply not working.
MF - And if you want to find out what this function key on the keyboard does, join us after the break on F1.
ZL - And after the break, join me, Clare Balding presenting everything. I present everything now. Everything is mine. Everything.
Unlikely Things To Hear In A Gardening Programme
EB - There's something about eating food that's come from your own garden. This is quite a hearty stew I've made out of a squirrel I shot with an air rifle.
HD - Well, to answer your question, I tend to keep mine on a hose reel, but then, I'm very lucky down there.
MJ - These pine trees smell suspiciously of air freshener!
ZL - My advice is that we don't splash out on expensive gnomes. Do as I do and just simply varnish some small children I found playing in the park.
MF - I call this one my Blue Peter garden because it's the first place that I blew Peter.
EB - Remember, the trick is to get your pitch fork right through it before you take it and throw it back over the fence.
HD - Well, we had a letter from Mrs. Smith and she's asked us to identify something that she has found in our garden. Well Mrs. Smith, that's a dog turd.
ZL - I've got a letter from Maureen in Doncaster who's asking a question about herbs. In response to your letter, Maureen, we recommend about 200 pounds for a ounce, and if it's really good shit, 300.
HD - Well, that is the wheelbarrow and tomorrow, I'll show you another sexual position.
JW - So it's quite simple to take up an old patio, all you do is lik... just leave it. Let's not talk about it ever again.
MJ - I woke up in a field of aubergines the other day. I thought none of these baby seals have faces.
ZL - Right, welcome to the UKIP garden. Sod the lawn, let's concentrate on them borders.
JW - So you could use a lawnmower or a strimmer although I would recommend waxing.
EB - Take the shovel, force it right down like that, save you a fortune in vets' fees having it put down professionally.
MJ - Help, I'm attacked by pineapples! Help! Help... help!
EB - I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People say to me, "How do you find the thyme?" I say, "It's there, next to the sage!"