AP- Andy Parsons
JW- Josh Widdecombe
Unlikely Things To Hear On Breakfast TV
AP- You’re watching Breakfast TV: Because the chemist won’t have your Valium ready until mid-morning.
MJ- Breakfast news now. A man has drowned in a bowl of Cheerios. Sadly, and ironically, his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
HD- This is BBC Breakfast. Look at it, that‘s meant to be a sausage.
JW- Now earlier on you could see we had Steps, which is why we interviewed Stephen Hawking outside.
AP- Stay put for Jeremy Kyle. Today's tooth count is three.
KR- The world of show business has suffered another tragic loss. But don't worry, it‘s one of the ones you thought were already dead.
EG- A lot of people ask me how I stay awake at this time. You know what they say: "Early to bed, crack cocaine in the morning."
HD- Today we're looking at the world's biggest birthday ca - oh hang on, wait, Eamonn’s had it.
AP- If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in today’s The Jeremy Kyle Show... Then phone us up, you're the sort of freak we need to get on tomorrow!
EG- Later we'll be meeting the man who has to go through 50 steps before he can orgasm. All that to come.
JW- It‘s Channel 5, it‘s 5am and I am going to sack my agent.
HD- Well it‘s time for the traffic now on Christian Breakfast Time so, let’s go over to our eye in the sky, God.
KR- If you hear a knock on your door, you could be the winner of £20,000! 2 knocks and it’s a police raid, hide the guns.
EG- Now we are going over to the kitchen, where Chef Tony is going to be cooking up an excuse for why he has been texting my wife.
JW- Next up on Channel 4 breakfast time, it’s a brand new home grown British sitcom. Only joking, it‘s Everyone Loves Fucking Raymond!
HD- Well, let’s take a look at the traffic. There it is. Broom Broom.
MJ- Well I am looking forward to this one. In the studio we have the new Doctor Who... accidentally killed someone.
Lines you wouldn't read in a romantic novel
AP- As the dark stranger emerged from the sea, his wet shirt clinging against his muscular torso. Soon she held him and she said the words she had been dying to say for ages: "I'm UK Border Patrol and you're under arrest!"
KR- She felt every part of his 8 inches. He was stiff and absolutely rigid and even in her innocence she knew that her hamster was dead.
EG- He felt a swelling down there. He shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive.
HD- He took her hand and squeezed it tightly. "Now," he thought, "I wonder where the rest of her body is?"
EG- I want to roleplay. I will be a prince from a mythical land you be your sister.
JW- He cupped her breast and put her arse in a bowl. She was into really weird shit.
MJ- "You could make love," she said. "Or 'vole'," he replied, looking up from his game of Scrabble.
HD- She felt her bosom heave as Mr. Darcy came ever closer. "Blimey," he said. "You don't get many of them to the pound."
AP- He grabbed her hand he held it tightly as then skipped of through the fields of daffodils. And it was at that moment, she realized he might be a little bit gay.
JW- He looked at the tattoo of Chinese writing on her back. He didn't know what it meant, but he did know that she put out on a first date.
KR- "Jeremy Corbyn, you've got me tied up. What are you gonna do now?" "Nothing," he said. "I wanna highlight the injustice of inmates detained at Camp X-Ray without a fair trial."
HD- "Why, why does it end like this?" she said. "Childhood accident. Got it stuck in a trouser press."
EG- The debutantes paraded in the ballroom in front of the rich landowners and the master of ceremonies pronounced, "Let the Darcies fondle the arsies!"
MJ- Marjorie, I'm gonna kiss you like you have never been kissed before. (Stretches his lips and puts his tongue out)
HD- "Of course I've seen a black penis before," she said. "Just not attached to a white man before!"