Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 14, Episode 7

HD-Hugh Dennis

AP- Andy Parsons

EG-Ed Gamble

MJ-Milton Jones

KR-Katherine Ryan

JW- Josh Widdecombe

First subject-Unlikely things to hear on breakfast TV

AP- You are watching Breakfast TV. Because the chemist wont have your vallium ready until mid morning

MJ- Breakfast news now. A man has drowned in a bowl of Cheerios. Sadly and ironically,his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

HD- This is BBC Breakfast. Look at it it's meant to be a sausage.

JW- Now earlier on you could see we had steps. Which is why we interviewed Stephen Hawking outside.

AP- Stay put for Jeremy Kyle. Today's tooth count is three.

KR- The world of show business has suffered another tragic loss. But don't worry its one of the ones you thought was already dead

EG- A lot of people ask me how i stay awake at this time. You know what they say. Early to bed, Crack cocaine in the morning

HD- Today we're looking at the worlds biggest birthday ca- oh hang on wait Eammon's had it

AP- If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in todays Jeremy Kyle, Then phone us up you're the sort of freak we need to get on tomorrow

EG- Later we'll be meeting the man who has to go through 50 steps before he can orgasm. All that to come

JW- Its Channel 5 and its 5AM and im going to sack my agent

HD- Well its time for the traffic now on Christian Breakfast Time so lets go over to our eye in the sky, God

KR- If you hear a knock on your door you could be the winner of £20000. 2 knocks and its a police raid. Hide the guns

EG- Now we are going over to the kitchen where Chef Tony is going to be cooking up an excuse for why he has been texting my wife

JW- Next up on Channel 4 Breakfast time its a brand new home grown british sitcom only joking it everybody loves fucking Raymond

HD- Well takes a look at the traffic, There it is. Broom Broom

MJ- Well I am looking forward to this one.In the studio we have the new Doctor Who...Accidentally killed someone

Lines you would not read in a romantic novel

AP- As the dark stranger emerged from the sea.His wet shirt clinging against his muscular torso. Soon she held him and she said the words she had been dying to say for ages 'I'm UK Border Patrol and your under arrest'

KR- She felt every part of his 8 inches. He was stiff and absolutley rigid and even in her innocence she knew that her hamster was dead

EG- He felt a swelling down there. He shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive

HD- He took her hand and squeezed it tightly.'Now' He thought 'I wonder where the rest of her body is'

EG- I want to roleplay. I will be a prince from a mythical land a you be your sister

JW- He cupped her breast and put her arse in a bowl she was in to really weird shit

MJ- 'You could make love' she said 'Or vowel' He replied looking up from his game of Scrabble

HD- She felt her bosom heave as Mr Darcy came ever closer 'Blimey' he said 'You don't get many of them to the pound'

AP- He grabbed her hand he held it tightly as then skipped of through the fields of dafodils. And it was at that moment.She realized he might be a little bit gay

JW-He looked at the tattoo of chinese writing on her back. He didn't know what it meant. But he did know that she put out on a first date

KR- Jeremy Corbyn you've got me tied up what are you gonna do now 'Nothing' he said ' I wanna highlight the injustice of inmates detained at Camp X-Ray without a fair trial'

HD-Why,why does it end like this' she said 'Childhood accident got it stuck in a trouser press'

EG- The debutons paraded in the ballroom infront of the rich landowners and the master of ceremonies pronounced 'Let the Darcies fondle the Arses'

MJ- Marjorie, im gonna kiss you like you have never been kissed before (MJ stretches his lips and puts his tongue out)

HD- Of course i have seen a black penis before' she said 'Just not attached to a white man before'