- HD - Hugh Dennis
- JA - James Acaster
- GD - Gary Delaney
- AP - Andy Parsons
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Things To Hear on a Consumer Programme
GD - Dear Anne, the other day I was changing my baby's nappy and he weed right in my face. Does this mean I can make a PPI claim?
HD - Well, the toilet wasn't connected and there was no water coming out of the tap, and that is the last time I had a poo at a showroom in B&Q.
ZL - An important recall announcement now, as it transpires a large shipment of party poppers was mistakenly packaged as tampons.
HD - Bad news for electricity consumers. Npower has been bought by N-Dubz.
GD - Critics say Botox is too expensive. But we spoke to 50 people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them look surprised.
JA - Mr Jones got a nasty rash from his new blanket, good job he kept the receipt, unfortunately it doesn't cover much of his body, and it's not half as warm.
JW - When they came home to find saloon doors and six dead Native Americans, they knew they were the victims of Cowboy Builders.
AP - Firstly, we'd like to apologise for the mispronunciation on last week's show, and particularly to those people who as a result, have invested all of their life savings in ISIS.
HD - The house was haunted, and when he refused to pay the £200 for the exorcism, it was repossessed.
GD - Dear Watchdog, I bought these pork scratchings, but they all taste a bit David Cameron-y.
AP - The kids were left shocked, frightened and in tears, so our advice, if you're hiring a face painter, don't book a surrealist.
JW - A word of advice for anyone that wants to buy shares in the company that makes Toblerone, this is a pyramid scheme.
ZL - If you have been tempted to go abroad for cheap boob jobs, you might reconsider after hearing about Sally who came back from Thailand and discovered her implants had been filled with helium and now they've gone tits up.
Lines You Wouldn't Hear From a Kid's Film
AP - "Why you crying, mummy?", said Peppa. "Well", said Mummy Pig...
HD - What did Cameron do to you, Babe?
GD - "But why are we going this way?", said Bilbo. "Well", said Gandalf, "We've got to find some way of stretching this shit to 3 films."
HD - It's bad news, Dorothy. The Cowardly Lion has been shot by an American dentist.
ZL - And here come Laa-laa, Tinky Winky, and Po, or the Shadow Cabinet as they are also known.
HD - It's bad news, Pumbaa. Simba has been shot by an American dentist.
GD - Here comes Captain Hook, who turned to piracy after his benefits was stopped.
JW - No James, that isn't a Giant Peach. That's Nicki Minaj walking away from us.
HD - Edmond, Lucy, bad news...
JA - Hi, Harry Potter, it's me, your friend Ron Weasley. Don't I look a little bit like that James Acaster we saw on Mock the Week. Hey, here's a good idea, let's go to all of his gigs and shout "Ron Weasley!" at him in the audience cause no one has ever done that before.
ZL - Hello, we're the Railway Children, except on Sundays, when we're known as the Bus Replacement Children.
JW - Once a year, there is an event called the Hunger Games, or as some call it, London Fashion Week.
GD - Half grizzly bear, and half buffalo. The Gruffalo was the biggest, scariest animal in the whole wood, until one day, he got a job presenting Mock the Week.
HD - Nemo? Me? No.
AP - Nanny McPhee, I've got bad news. We're replacing you with Nanny McSmallerPhee from Belarus.
HD - I'm Herbie, a VW Beetle. I falsified my emissions tests.
JA - So as you can see, we...filmed the whole movie over Skype, which is why... we call it Frozen.
AP - The wonderful thing about Tiggers, is we can disembowel a gazelle in 10 seconds.