The following is a guide to the Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions made in the tenth episode of the fifteenth series.
- HD - Hugh Dennis
- ZL - Zoe Lyons
- MJ - Milton Jones
- EB - Ed Byrne
- NK - Nish Kumar
- JW - Josh Widdicombe
Unlikely Small Ads
MJ - (In child's voice) Hello! My name's Ads!
JW - For sale, one tent: Please contact the BBC.
HD - Genuine single man looking for relationship. Call this number. If my wife answers, hang up.
EB - Free to good home: Fucking printer.
MJ - Phone to hear my talk about how I became obese: 888-8888.
HD - Rubbish collection services: Yep, we are genuinely shit at it.
NK - I saw you on the tube. You were wearing the pink sweater with your hair pulled back. I had my cock and balls out.
JW - Do you want a hard-working plumber for a reasonable rate? Then you shouldn't have voted for Brexit.
EB - Learn English on own or home. Good examplings, quick books, disbelievable price. You buy?
NK - Applications are now open for the Donald Trump School of Talking to Women because those bitches are not going to interrupt themselves.
ZL - Wanted: The Internet as I seem to be the only person in the whole bloody world using the small ads.
HD - Have you lost a ginger cat? Check the top of Donald Trump's head.
MJ - Phone to hear my talk to hear about my reaction to eating a South African bishop: 000-00822.
ZL - Respectable middle-aged lady would like to meet gentlemen for cozy nights in, country walks, theater visits, and occasional eye-popping anal.
Things You Wouldn't Hear on a TV Cookery Show
ZL - Hi, I'm Nigella Lawson and before I bake any cake, I like to chop my flour into lines.
EB - You can see that's rising nicely. It does that every time I think about how much money Channel 4 are gonna pay me.
MJ - Hello, and welcome to Can't Cook, Won't Cook. Today, we won't be making anything. Goodbye.
NK - Coming up next on Saturday Kitchen, whatever we want, because we know you're too hung over to change the channel.
HD - This is a hot pot. THIS IS A FUCKING HOT POT!!!
JW - So, if you want to bone a chicken, what you need to do: take it on a couple of dates, and then invite her back, put on some romantic music, and let nature take its course.
HD - (slurred) There is.. uh.. there is a bit of a problem on this week's Food and Drink. I finished all of it.
EB - This is a, uh, Thai chicken curry, or as I like to call it, "hot Asian cock."
JW - Okay, Sam, let's see what you've brought in your bag of ingredients. It is a pint of wine and a large Malteser.
ZL - (Northern accent) Right, welcome to Southern Cooking for Northerners. First up, quinoa: what is it and why it can fuck off.
HD - Well, if you're gonna pop it in, don't forget to cover it first. I didn't, and that's why I'm making paternity payments.
NK - Hello, I'm Greg Wallace, and this series of MasterChef, we won't be using plates. We'll just be eating off my shiny, shiny head.
ZL - Hello, Nigella Lawson here again. I'm just going to say the word "spatchcock" for no reason. (seductively) Spatchcock...
MJ - Anyone can make this! You can't, Beatrice. (pause) Sorry, you can't beat rice.
(laughter in studio, Ed: "Let's just all go home!")
HD - Welcome... welcome to Great Indian Bake-Off. I'm Paul Bollywood.
EB - Hello, I'm Jamie Oliver, and welcome to my new show, Stick a Bit of Fucking Sugar in It!