JR- Jon Robins
SP- Sara Pascoe
RB- Rob Beckett
EG- Ed Gamble
HD- Hugh Dennis
JA- James Acaster
Unlikely Things To Hear On Crimewatch Edit
JA- If you have any information about this crime or any other crime, then keep your mouth shut! Snitches get stitches! Bowbowbow!
JR- A relative paid tribute to the victim who, sadly, did in the blaze. He said he was the kind of guy that just lights up a room.
SP- Scientists have discovered that the majority of murderers are men, so what should we be doing? How should we support female murderers? Should we be subsidizing childcare-- (breaks out laughing)
EG- The suspects defecated on Boris Johnson's doorstep. Witnesses describe the man as an absolute legend.
RB- No Crimewatch tonight, but reruns of Top Of The Pops 2 are on BBC Four now, so just...
EG- The man broke into Battersea Dogs' Home and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.
HD- The criminals then blew the safe, but however hard it blew, it just stayed where it was.
SP- Oh no! A city up north has gone missing! It begins with "L" and is great. Police are desperately looking for Leeds.
HD- (showing off his watch) Do you like it? It's a Rolex, I nicked that. That is a crime watch.
JA- And now as bit of fun, we're going to the blooper reel. (mimes holding a shotgun) "Gimme all your honey-- I mean, money!"
JR- According to police, there were wet footprints leading across the bedroom carpet, 'cause one of us doesn't know what a bathmat is!
JA- The murderer says she did it "'cause he made so many jokes about me on Mock The Week, I couldn't hack it anymore."
EG- Were you in the Wetherspoons at 9:00 AM? If you were, we want you to contact us. There was no crime, we just wanna work out what went wrong in your life.
HD- Right, let's have a look at Britain's most unwanted. This is Sam Aladais.
EG- The victim's name was Jehovah. Police are looking for witnesses.
RB- (to someone off-camera) You know, like, greeting cards are like four quid, innit they, but if you put 'em in the self-service, there's no weight on them, so-- (turns to camera) Hello, welcome to Crimewatch!
Unlikely Lines From A Fantasy Film Edit
JR- But the ring was lost. Frodo looked up. This rectal exam went very wrong.
HD- I was Gandalf the Grey. But now, after only three washes...
RB- Would a mad lord defeat the leper queen? Rob Beckett, Fox News, Washington.
SP- My magic powers are strong. Put any penis in my hand and watch it grow.
EG- Your Majesty, I have ridden here for two weeks one horseback to deliver this important message from your brother. (gives the finger)
JA- Hufflepuff? Oh, great, I'm getting bullied!
RB- Frodo, it's so far. Can't we just split a cab fare?
HD- No, sorry, darling. That's a ticket. No, this is a double yellow brick road.
EG- I am Thor, John Thor, and I am a Morse god.
JA- 'Tis I, Merlin, grand wizard and supplier of premier sticker albums. Shazam, a shiny!
SP- Oh no, I've been bitten by some radioactive corduroy! That's means I'm going to become... James Acaster Man!
HD- (Mackem accent) No, I'm sorry, Alice. This is Sunderland.
EG- After traveling across the dark seas and desolate plains, finally, I am home-- I left my keys at Clive's!
JA- Uh, we actually find the term "unicorn" quite offensive. We prefer "skinny rhinoceri."
HD- Call yourself an Orc? Oh, yeah, you can talk the Orc, but can you walk the Orc?
JA- Do not go in there! It is an absolute bloodbath! It is literally a lion in a wardrobe! I can not ever phrase that enough! Killed the witch-- OH MY GOD!
RB- Oh, what's that, the film's gone on for nine hours and I don't know what you're doing anymore, so you're just getting an army of the undead to save the day? Fucking turn it in.