- HD: Hugh Dennis
- MJo: Milton Jones
- RB: Rob Beckett
- EB: Ed Byrne
- MJu: Miles Jupp
- AB: Angela Barnes
Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Kids' TV Show
HD: "Thunderbirds Are Go!" is what I shout at orgasm.
MJu: No Laa-Laa, I'm afraid you're not Teletubby, you're Teleobese, and if you're not careful, you're gonna get Telediabetes.
EB: Don't ask your parents permission before you phone, those dicks will only say no
AB: And on today's Horrible Histories, a 1970s episode of Top of the Pops.
MJo: Right, young Womble, today we're going to destroy the Wimbledon Tennis Championships and get rid of all this dog poo from the common. Get yourself a golf club...
RB: Well, if you're not having an affair, whose square pants are these?!
HD: Well, things are hotting up in Balamory. Archie's been radicalised.
MJu: Well, Miss Hoolie, I'm wondering if I'm going to be regretting this job in 14 years.
RB: Mr. Tumble, you're 43. Grow up, for fuck's sake.
MJo: Johnny's dad said, "Do your revision." So Johnny left school and entered the Eurovision Song Contest.
EB: Daddy Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed." Mommy Bear said, "It was probably your whore, Linda!"
RB: Just 3 more blobs of glue, and that's a massive cock and balls there.
HD: And the janitor would have got away with it too, if it hadn't been for the photographs he had taken of those pesky kids.
MJu: (singing) Yodel delivery driver Pat, Yodel delivery driver Pat... He's thrown your parcel in a hedge.
EB: And now it's time for resident band of children violinists. Please welcome, the Kiddy Fiddlers.
HD: And now, Peppa Pig, is a recipe on Saturday Kitchen.
AB: Let's see what's happening over at the Magic Roundabout. Yup, more dogging.
MJu: And just remember, your Blue Peter badge can get you in 3 in over 200 strip clubs and lap dancing establishments.
EB: Look, Iggle Piggle, it's the Ninky Nonk. Ooh, the Nin... (sighs). Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep like a little girl.
Unlikely Things To Hear At Euro 2016
MJo: Wayne Rooney's come out, covered in Formica. I think the manager's told him to play as a unit.
HD: Rooney is playing in the pocket. Oh, that's unpleasant.
AB: And England go through on penalties!
EB: And the French mascot is seven-year-old Lucille DuBois from Nice, showing us all how to smoke a cigarette with real panache there.
MJu: Oh, that is an absolutely shocking decision by the referee. Black shorts, black shirt, I'm sure the girls would agree with me: way too matchy-matchy.
MJo: Let's not forget that Roy Keane and Martin Škrtel were clubmates at Real Sociopath.
RB: Oh, that is an absolute beauty, Swedish, about 25. Well done, dirty Dave on camera 5!
HD: England in the front three are trying to get behind, but the WAGs are having none of it.
AB: And the crowd invade the pitch, and the French officials have surrendered.
EB: Did that cross the line? Seemed a bit racist to me...
HD: Well, next for us, it's Iceland/Turkey, and when that is defrosted, it's England/Slovakia.
RB: And Russia have gone for a 4-3-3-7-8-10-1-9-16 formation. We're never going to get out of this alley.
HD: Well, let's look at the stats. In the first half, I was responsible for 90% of the cliches, and that really is the icing on the cake.
AB: And the Swedes are out. He really should've worn tighter shorts.
RB: So who's up for the World Cup in Russia? Guys? Guys?!
MJo: There goes Ronaldo down the wing doing what he did a minute ago and it's slightly slower-- this is the replay, isn't it?
HD: Goal! Well they say, cometh the hour, cometh the man, and I have, I'm just off to get some more pants.